veiled exuberance

none shall pass.

possible signs...

 

Unattended Children

a.) will be confiscated

b.) will be recycled

c.) will be auctioned

d.) will be launched into the stratosphere

e.) will be laundered

f.) will be shut down

g.) will be retired

h.) will be removed at owner's expense

i.) may not be used as collateral

 

posted by: juuitsu at February 28, 2008 10:51 | link | comments (4) |

i thought i was doing so well!  what with the keeping up with the writing stuff.  but i look back and see that i last updated MONDAY and i'm not so impressed with myself anymore.  meh.

winter has dried me out.  i am whatever the human equivalent of a raisin would be.  me-jerky.  i was staying with my parents last night and tried out my mom's oatmeal cookie scrub (it's one of those exfoliating/body scrub mixtures).  it smelled delicious - like good enough to consume - plus it was very smoothing.  i'm continuing my *beauty regimen* today by giving myself an olive oil treatment (i'm out of avocados).  this has involved working about a quarter cup of olive oil into my hair and wrapping the mess up in a plastic bag.  i look like a lunatic.  i'm not expecting any direct beauty results for at least another hour.  i may also need a trim.

i am SO crabby.  this is a combination of me feeling like i've been sitting on my ass all week, people talking to me at work while i'm trying to concentrate on other things, and lots of irritating traffic situations.  i worked three nights last week and didn't have time to get much exercise (bleh), and missed my two favorite classes this morning because i was away.  i tried to talk my folks into letting me borrow their car to get to my workshop on friday, so i could get my oil changed a day earlier, but they were *also* getting their oil changed, so that didn't work out at all.  plus they were all like, "are you nuts?"  without actually saying that.  i see their point, but it would have been extra extra awesome with cinnamon on top if they'd been able to.  so i had to do that today.  and get my tires rotated.  there was the usual line.  i made it to the place by 7 (they open at 7:30) and was #4.  there were about 6 people behind me when they finally opened the doors. 

o. invited me to come along with him to peoria today and i really really really would have liked to see him, but the thought of being in a car for another 6 hours was repellent.  i should have asked if there would be badminton or at least table tennis...something active.  hm.  but no, i did not.  and there probably wasn't.  so i fought my way home through midday traffic (stupid STUPID drivers) to my bunnies - who were happy to see me.  "dude, you've been gone for like, 2 WHOLE days.  show us the kibble!"  don't worry.  they had enough to eat and were by no means panicked over my absence or terribly thrilled to see me again.  their actual reaction was more like, "yo."  i have, at least, been acknowledged.  dogs are way better with greetings.

posted by: juuitsu at February 23, 2008 12:43 | link | comments (1) |

dances with...bears?

an almost paralyzing fear keeps my feet planted firmly on the floor where i tremble holding a large cardboard sign.  the sign is inscribed with the words to a simple song.  it's for training the bear.  the bear is next to me, watching me to see what i'll do next.  i hope the bear can't feel my fear.  we're standing next to a large mattress on which two other people are reclining.  the mattress is about hip height on me, the bear is somewhat taller.  i set the sign down, then marshal myself and step up onto the mattress.  the bear mirrors me. 

the other people stand up and we all begin to dance.  the bear is under the impression that we are doing the "patty-cake" routine, and every time we pass one another, it slaps my palms with its paws.  the impact sends tremors, repercussions up my arms and deep into my bones.  it's terrifying.  i can feel its strength and how easily it could swipe me off my feet and send me flying into the wall - all the way across the room.  the dance moves into its next stage and we all bounce lightly on the mattress.  the bear does, too, but when its weight slams into the mattress the effect is to trampoline the rest of us off our feet.  it's disconcerting at first, but we all relax into it.  i reach out to pat the bear on the head and my movement spooks it.  it swats my hand away, and i know something bad is going to happen because i don't know what i'm doing and the bear, while *trained*, is still a bear. 

we can't stop dancing, though.  this dance is the only thing keeping us alive.  once we entered into it, we resolved to see it through to the end.  the man jumping across from me has been extremely stupid and now he's put us all at risk.  Malcolm.

*flash to Malcolm on his cell phone earlier*

"Malcolm...just tell me where you are.  What's happening?"

"I...oh, god, no...no.."

"Malcolm!"  with desperation now, "What did you do?"

Malcolm staggers to the fence, drops the phone to the ground and crashes to his knees. he folds himself in half and groans.  he's dying and has to do something to renew before his time is up.  his fingers fumble and tear through the plants around him.  if he could just focus...he could remember...he could find...something important.  his fingers catch at last on a vine climbing the chain link fence.  he rips it down.  he crams it into his mouth - whole handfuls - and begins to chew.  it will renew, he will renew.  green foamy saliva pools at the corners of his mouth and drips onto the earth beneath him.  he loses consciousness and collapses.

posted by: juuitsu at February 18, 2008 00:15 | link | comments (5) |

i spent today hibernating.  it was necessary.  yesterday wore me out completely.  my hair is in knots from all of the tossing and turning - i entered a very active state of napping, apparently.  it feels really really good, though, to do not much of anything.  i read comics and a bit of a novel i'm in the middle of (Unwind - Neal Shusterman).  it's about a future dystopian society (maybe all futuristic stories are necessarily dystopian?) where parents can choose to have their children (between the ages of 13 and 18) "unwound."  as i understand it, it means they get recycled for parts and get to "live on" in a more useful way than they would otherwise.  that's the popular interpretation, of course.  good premise.  it started out very gripping, and i'm not sure if i'm just overtired and that's why it put me to sleep every time i picked it up this afternoon or if it's become somewhat less interesting to me.  i read something else that was very similar not too long ago.  the title is escaping me right now.  and if i'd make a final decision about a book blog, i'd at least have access to all of my book thoughts.  instead they're living out a quiet life on my personal drive at work.  i'd been debating formats - blog or wiki?  and on saturday i was reading about content management systems for websites...there's one called Plone.  i don't really know what it can do or if what i want to do can be done with it.  what i do have is CONTENT like you wouldn't believe.  i just can't decide how to organize and access it. 

as a result of having slept most of the day i finally feel more human.  unfortunately, it's now almost midnight and i'm not at all tired anymore.  this is not quite the sleep schedule i need to be on.

went sledding again last night - the hill was open until 10 (yay!).  this one was by my folks' house and we had it mostly to ourselves.  i actually missed having the little kids and the families around - they created a certain atmosphere.  we had some high school boys who were out to make a video of their sledding experience.  it featured a broken guitar and lots of wiping out.  i wouldn't be surprised at all if it ends up on youtube.  there was also a troupe of either middle school or early high school girls.  they repeatedly walked up the sledding part of the hill when we were trying to come down.  annoying.  but, then they had a huge fight and left.  one of them thought the others were making fun of her.  Words were exchanged, and...eh.  let's just say i wasn't too disappointed when they left.

what with one thing and another, many hours passed.  (this is how you transition in novels...)  i didn't get home until around 4 this morning.  and then i pretty much passed out.  the part where i managed to make it home in my state of Complete And Utter Exhaustion is something of a miracle.  i could really use an autopilot setting on my car - programmable, of course - for those times when i'm just not fit to drive.  Darkly Dreaming Dexter - the audiobook i'm listening to - managed to keep me alert by virtue of its being creepy as all heck.  the serial killer they're trying to catch likes to reduce people to torsos with heads by gradually removing all of their appendages and dangly bits.  he does this over a period of weeks so that they can heal properly.  and he makes sure to drug them so that the pain and shock can't kill them.  they get to watch the proceedings in a mirror and the slow eradication of their person tends to destroy their minds.  it sounds gruesome.

posted by: juuitsu at February 17, 2008 23:49 | link | comments (4) |

romantic fiction has begun branching out into new and unexplored territory.  the goddess was telling me that she'd read a review for a pirate-christian-romance recently.  i can't remember what it was called, but i was immediately struck by its potential.  i brainstormed some possible titles after we'd talked:

1.) Communion on the High Seas
2.) Baptized by the Captain
3.) My Swashbuckling Savior
4.) Passionate Priests of Penance

i will probably never write any of these, but the titles make me giggle. 

others might include, treasure, jolly roger, contracts with lust...  ideas?

posted by: juuitsu at February 17, 2008 23:14 | link | comments (2) |

i've stayed up later than i meant to (well, later *online*, anyway) writing an email to c.  she had a really bad day.  she wanted to express an idea about sharing some of the secret wonders of our collection and it was interpreted as a criticism of how someone else does his job.  so she got a tongue-lashing instead.  and she said that it made her cry.  i'm not sure if that's true, but if it were me...yeah.  i have been known to take criticism, reproaches, admonishments Very Personally.  because i'm sensitive like that.  i would have cried - privately and in the bathroom or later, in my car, on the way home.  because words can be so hurt-y.  anyway, she wrote me and said, 'thanks for listening, thanks for making it better.' 

i think what happened was a misunderstanding.  people aren't always great with communication.  and i believe in the good intentions of *both* parties, so i'm hoping that c. tries again to make herself understood.  it would be great if she said, "hey, i think you misunderstood what i was telling you yesterday.  and i was really hurt by your response - which is why i wasn't able to clear things up then."  i don't know if she'll be brave enough.  and if she's not, i asked if she'd mind if i said something.  because i think it's important.  not necessarily the idea, but her intent.  i don't want people to think that she's trying to stir up bad feelings.  this is how we get into Trouble.

***

i had my much anticipated (read: anxiety-producing) interview today.  and i'm relieved.  what i wanted most of all was to fast forward into the future and know exactly what i'd decided.  it was almost like that.  i was barely two minutes into the interview and i knew that i did not want the job.  one of the questions i imagined my interviewers asking me (this was something i worked out in my head the other night while i was trying to fall asleep) was something along the lines of, "what is it that you least enjoy about your current job?"  [they actually ask us this during our reviews.  last time i put down "last-minute surprise assignments that require all of my attention - leaving me no time or room to complete my own tasks."  we addressed it.  it's no longer a problem.]  i begin my imaginary answer with a list of things that i really like about my current job - particularly that i've been given a lot of responsibility and that my supervisors trust me to do my job well.  that's the sort of relationship that has to be grown and established over time.  and when i think about having to prove myself again and build that up from the ground in a new place...i wonder if it's something i really want to do.  they did not ask.  so i didn't get to say.  they went over the job description, once again glossing over salient details.  so i asked if the position included collection development.  because there's a difference between collection management and collection development.  did you know?  i wasn't sure.  i'm glad i asked.  this job doesn't include any collection development - where you get to read reviews and place orders and actually select the materials that people are going to check out.  i was told that i'd have *input* but that the actual selection was done centrally for the whole library system.  well, now.  that's the job i want. 

there i was, knowing before they'd asked me even one of their interview questions, "this is not the job i'm looking for."  i had a moment where i wondered if i should just be honest, stop them, and let them know that there wasn't really any point in going further.  but, i figured that that selection job might some day open up, and then they'd already know a little something about me.  it went pretty well.  i talked a blue streak while i worked out my anxiety.  nervousness in me can manifest in two ways - babble or silence.  i chose to babble, which works well for interviews.  in my babble i covered many of the questions that they eventually got around to asking.  i think they were required to go through all of them, anyway.   when this happens in interviews i've  sat in on, we generally say, "ok, you've answered that, let's move on!"    they asked the sorts of questions that lend themselves well to telling stories.  "what would you do in this situation?"  "how would you handle this?"  "guy comes up to the reference desk..." 

so, now i know.  and i feel so much better knowing exactly what i think.

posted by: juuitsu at February 13, 2008 23:19 | link | comments (3) |

i'm on a construction project team - one of the volunteers who doesn't know much about the mechanics of what we're doing.  they don't mind, though.  there are lots of experienced builders and even more experienced volunteers.  everyone is happy to tell me or show me what i need to be doing.  i keep catching the eye of a fellow volunteer - ryan.  and from whispered conversations with other people, i learn he's been doing this kind of work for a long time.  he's smooth-cheeked and chinned but messy and work-dirty in a rugged sort of way.  his reddish brown hair is long enough on top to fall into and over his eyes while he's working, but it's short everywhere else.  he's always wearing the same pair of dusty, faded blue jeans.  he meets my eyes and smiles at me almost every time i'm looking at him, but eye contact is all we share.  someone's little girl child, cassandra, follows both of us around because she likes pretty pictures and we both draw.  i've seen some of his work - mostly landscapes and silly doodles for cassandra.  people start telling me how much they think we'd like one another.  and the more they tell me the less i want to really meet him.  because what if we don't?  plus, it's almost like entertainment for everyone else.  the speculation.  the calculation. 

the work goes very quickly.  i feel like we're on one of those home improvement shows where they have hundreds of people working on the same site and finish everything in a week.  we're putting up a new main structure - i'm not sure what it's for - but we're using heavy red timbers and it's starting to look kind of luxury-lodge.  if you go to sleep and wake up the next day there are noticeable differences - things literally happen overnight. 

one afternoon it's crazy windy out and we're all looking for places to take shelter.  ryan and i end up in one of the trailers with some other people.  we're all crammed in together and it's pretty loud with the wind - even though we're inside.  so no one is talking too much.  we're doing things.  i'm writing, ryan's sketching and occasionally trying to make phone calls.  everyone is extremely well connected for some reason - the average is something like 2 cell phones per person - i have 2 myself.  the wailing wind makes me tired and i fall asleep along one of the benches in the back.  when i wake up there's sunlight falling across me and ryan's carved out a place alongside me.  i'm spooned against his back and i've got one of my arms wrapped around him - over his ribs and under his arm - palm flat against his chest.   i can feel his heart beating under my hand and his sleepy breath as it passes over my skin.  i have no recollection of how we got like this.  did i initiate it?  did he?  and now what?  my whole body stiffens as i consider the possibility of his awakening into surprise, then revulsion, then rejection.  then i decide i'm being ridiculous and fall back into sleep without extracting myself from our tangle.  we'll figure it out later.

when i wake up again, we've changed position.  i feel his breath coming across my ear.  i'm facing away from him and his chest is pressed along my back, his legs against my legs, and there's a delicious pocket of warm between my lower back and his lower stomach and thighs where we're almost, but not quite, touching.  my shirt has pulled up slightly, and his hand rests on just that bit of naked-hipped me.  i spend a few minutes experiencing and exploring the sensations of all of those touching points separately.  we are touching here...and here...and there.  unconsciously or subconsciously or very consciously - and i refuse to admit which it really is - i scoot closer to him, crossing and eliminating the space between us.  he pulls himself closer still, and in the process his hand slides up over my ribs and then slowly begins to move down and across my hip.  we're both holding our breath, wondering how brave he'll be in his explorations, and whether i'll throw him off.  i'm not going to throw him off.  as his hand slides back up over my stomach and traces a shivery path just beneath my breast the door to the trailer slams and we both jump apart, startled.

whoever it is doesn't even look up at us.  so we turn back to each other.  and oddly, we're not embarrassed.  we've barely talked before this, but i feel so comfortable.  we exchange rather goofy smiles and he pulls me into a hug.  it's still morning, still early, so we stay a bit longer.  we keep finding excuses to touch, to stay connected - even as we try to accomplish some of our daily tasks.  i'm digging in my coat for one of my phones which is ringing rather desperately as he leans up against me and checks his messages.  and as we're sipping tea (me) and orange juice (him), we sit back to back and sketch in different directions.  there's now a paved path that comes directly up to the trailer.  it was not there the night before.  i stop drawing when i notice it and let my gaze stretch all the way back to its beginning.  i'm lost in thought and path for awhile and then he reaches around and squeezes my hand.  and we both turn and smile. 

i stop worrying then that i'm not going to like him.

posted by: juuitsu at February 11, 2008 08:31 | link | comments (4) |

more sledding...

one of the best things was to watch these tiny, tiny children come shooting down the hill on those little disc sleds.  they're screaming like they're going to die and there's no one with them on their sleds.  their parents just launch them from above and then hope for the best.  cuz there's no steering or brakes.  it's a total crapshoot.  some of these kids jump off the sleds at the bottom and then just leave them down there.  mom or dad comes running down after them and says, "hey, HEY!  you forgot the sled!"  the kids are just like, "omigod, i'm still alive!"  seriously, this has got to be more traumatizing than meeting santa.  but it's GREAT.

posted by: juuitsu at February 10, 2008 22:59 | link | comments |

good day. 

no music in yoga this morning - first the player could not be found and then, when it was, its cord was missing.  so we listened to the sound of our breathing.  there's a particular kind of deep in the back of your throat through your nose type of breathing we're supposed to be doing - ujjaiyi breathing.  it's pretty audible if you're doing it right.  dot asked if we'd be willing to do a 90 minute class in the future, so we could have a good 15 minutes at the end for a proper savasana (corpse/resting pose).  everyone seemed excited about that.  it's my favorite part.  so relaxing.  if we do get 15 minutes, instead of 5 (or less) someone is bound to fall asleep.  someone is bound to be me.  zzz.

was quite stretchy and mellow when i got home.

then.

SLEDDING.  oh the sledding.  o. and i got sleds last year - just after my foot was pronounced "HEALED."  we took them out on a very gentle hill in his neighborhood.  it wasn't a terribly successful experiment - it involved a lot of scooting and pushing and we didn't have much to show for it except heaps of melted snow in our pants. i was wet and cold and miserable for hours afterward.  so, we weren't eager to repeat the experiment.  i kept the sleds in the back of my car until spring and then retired them to my storage space.  we broke them out again yesterday afternoon.  and then broke them in.  and then just plain broke them.  we have concluded that they were crap sleds anyway.  halfway through our sledding adventure we took a break to scope out what the stores had left in their sled inventories.  not much.  we wanted to get something inflatable (those looked like the most comfortable, most fun to me), but there were none in stock.  at the SECOND sports store we stopped at (and this was after Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, and another sports store) we found a bunch of things to choose from...however, there really was no choice once we laid eyes on the "Bathtub."  it was an enormous trough-like sled that could have done equally well as a planter, or one of those stream-lined storage compartments you strap to the roof of your car.  the checkout girl said it looked really dangerous.  i just thought it looked ridiculous.  but there was no doubt that we could both fit in it.  we jammed it into my car and headed back to the hill.

it was a most excellent hill, and we threw ourselves (and our pitiful sleds) down it repeatedly.  i don't think i've ever been actual sledding down a sledding hill before.  we went winter camping when i was a kid - with the girl scouts - and found hills in the woods that were good for sledding (except for the bits with trees that someone inevitably ran into), but they were not DESIGNATED sledding hills.

so much fun!

i was so gleeful that i squealed like a little girl.  and everyone there at the hill - because there were a lot of people there with us - was having an equally fantastic time.  even aubrey - and her mom was *constantly* on her case.  "come ON, aubrey!"  they had a bunch of fencing up, and signs to tell you what was supposed to be a sledded-on part of the hill and what was supposed to be a walkway (so that people could get back up the hill without being murdered by other sledders coming down).  but after awhile, people were just kind of sledding down whenever it seemed like there was a relatively clear space at the bottom and anyone down below would leap out of the way.  there were, surprisingly, very few collisions (or maybe there's special sledding hill physics and it just works.  i personally liked how everyone was able to *share* the hill and delight in the delight of total strangers.   they totally need to bring the same attitude to the library!). 

it didn't seem to matter much *how* we went down.  the sleds would inevitably twist around so that we were facing backwards or spinning out of control directly into the path of someone else down below.  i spent a lot of time yelling, "no brakes!  no steering!  out of control!"  people scampered out of my way and then laughed as i careened off my sled and onto my ass.  and we went so FAST!  there was no awkward scooting in the middle of the hill.  we sailed down it.  there were a few minor upsets where we crashed out of the sled and rolled around one another in a scary tangle of limbs, but for the most part we got all the way down to the bottom without mishap.  ok, o. did run into a tree.  it was a really small tree, tho.

it was a most excellent time.

posted by: juuitsu at February 10, 2008 22:53 | link | comments (1) |

i had some notes that i wrote down from dreams, which i did not get around to transcribing here while they were still fresh.  so now they don't make any sense as i've lost the philotic thread between my conscious and subconscious.  they're kind of amusing anyway.

* diaphanous grandmother - NO panties. [ack!  i don't even *want* to remember/know what this means]

* sitting on the curb with the dog.  she keeps laying down with her butt in the road.  lots of people join us, sitting in the spaces around us on the greenway.  it's a bit like we're all waiting for a parade to pass, but there's nothing like that happening.

* my brother chooses the "Dark Crystal Ice Cream" and another kind that i've never heard of before that's *also* based on a movie.  i wonder briefly what Dark Crystal ice cream could possibly taste like.  is it like that Superman ice cream?  wildly colored, but just vanilla when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it?

* the mail man is going through our fridge.  he doesn't want the strawberry lemonade i offer him.  i'm in my parents' bedroom, reading the mail that he's brought.  he leaves and comes back.  he's delivering more mail.  we must either be famous or have been gone for a long time.  there's so MUCH mail to be gone through.  the mailman picks up my dad's dirty socks and asks if there's a better place for them.  he seems ready to climb into the bed with me.  this is mildly disturbing.

posted by: juuitsu at February 09, 2008 11:11 | link | comments (3) |

Things have been happening!  and i've been busy doing and not writing.  which makes me feel bad.  because i'm ditching this *other* commitment that i've made to myself.  life sometimes gets in the way.

Things:

1.) the flu!  maybe those flu shots are worth something, eh?  they just stopped being convenient once i got out of grad school.  you actually have to schedule them and then get yourself to a Specific Location.  they just had a clinic at the engineering library when i worked there.  they were harder to miss when they were right in...your face.  i was *really* ill for a day and then less ill in the several days before and after.  i think i've been sicker a few times, but not many.  o. was sick, too, so we talked a lot and coughed in concert.  i think i grossed him out when i blew my nose on the phone.  i mean, not literally *on* the phone, but while we were talking.  slightly less messy, but still...there were unfortunate sound effects.  on the worst day i tried to get my parents to come out and bring me, well, comfort, i guess.  i was too nauseous to eat most of the day and then i was *really* hungry AND nauseous in the evening.  my head was pounding and the rest of me was mildly achy.  they were too busy.  WHAT?!  yes, too busy.  *shocked silence*  anyway.  they came out the following day, when i was feeling better, and brought me all kinds of good things - chicken soup, nuke-able dinners, sandwich fixings, orange juice, lozenges, and even flowers.  aw.  i am now mostly well.

2.) while i was dying i was contemplating my new year's resolution.  i think i'd vowed to get a new job.  or at least apply for other things.  there was an advertisement about 3 weeks ago for a position about 60 miles south of here and i went a-visiting a few weeks ago to get a feel for the environment before deciding to apply.  i didn't think i'd be able to motivate myself to revise my resume and cover letter and fill out their 6 page application packet in time.  i was still feeling pretty rotten.  at the very last minute, i finished everything up and sent it in and experienced this little thrill of accomplishment.  and then when they called the next day to schedule an interview i panicked.  omigod.  this could actually HAPPEN.  what happens if they like me and want me to work for them?  what happens if i want to?  ack.  i'll have to move EVERYTHING. 

life will be much easier if i decide i don't want to work there.  and now that the interview is a solid reality (THAT, at least, IS happening), i'm conflicted.  i'm not sure exactly what the position is going to entail - the job description was pretty short and seems like it will involve things that i'm already doing in my current position.  more honesty: i think i need to be doing something at least *slightly * different and just changing location is probably not going to be satisfying enough.  particularly because i'll essentially be starting all over again to build what i've already got built somewhere else.  is that going to be energizing or exhausting?  the more i think about it the more it feels like it will be a huge hassle to move jobs, move house, and move life.  i'm...entrenched.  and i'm not miserable.  so.  conflicted.  plus?  i really want to take a vacation. 

3.) my landlord finally called about my lease.  i was panicking about this on January 31st when i realized that it was due to expire at midnight on February 1.  ACK.  and then i rationalized that if it were a really big deal and they were planning on renting the apartment to someone else, SOMEONE would have contacted me beforehand and made arrangements to at least get my keys.  as it turns out, they forgot about it, too.  until yesterday.  if they remember last year, then they'll remember how i was a complete flake about signing another lease then, too.  i was waiting to hear back from another place that kept NOT calling me back.  and just as i'd agreed to a new lease with my current landlords, they got back to me.  so my message to my landlord *this* time around went something like, "hey!  we both forgot!  so, i have a job interview next week for a position that's really far away from here, and i was wondering if i could maybe extend my current lease until April...and then as soon as i know what's going on with that other job i will let you know.  i'm not sure i'll want it or that they'll even offer it to me...so i may end up staying!  anyway, give me a call back and let me know..."  sometimes i feel like such an idiot.  and then it passes.  a few years ago i would have written this all down in detail beforehand, so that i wouldn't sound like an idiot.  (i mean, not that that's entirely preventable).  now, things just come out however they come out, and i hope that i can fix any misunderstandings with other inanities that happen to pop out.

posted by: juuitsu at February 09, 2008 11:01 | link | comments (5) |

The Endeavor.

i got a graphics tablet for christmas.  i asked for one because i thought it might be cool to have a plaything to make Graphic Art.  this particular tablet boasts a transparent/lucent flap under which you can place drawings/photos/other flat whatnots so you can trace them.  i got to thinking, back before christmas, that it would be cool to be able to trace a groundhog for my groundhog day cards.  that might be easier than, say, the drawing with the mouse while looking back and forth between the screen and the picture thing that hasn't worked out so well for me in the past. 

anyway.  i waited until last week to install the tablet.  i've been busy and i knew i'd want a little bit of time to play with it.  i came home early on tuesday when i was sure the Mother of All Colds had me firmly in her grip, and popped in the CD ROM to install the drivers for my new toy.  once, twice, three times a failure.  for some reason it wasn't installing.  you know error messages - unless you've got an advanced degree in computerbabble, they don't make any sense.  mine led me to believe that maybe a new version of windows installer might be needed.  so i updated that.  the installation continued to fail.  more research indicated that maybe the drive might be faulty.  so i popped it into my other drive and voila!  it installed!  before i could actually test it, my computer needed to be restarted.  that's when the shit SERIOUSLY hit the fan.  *sings merrily* "blue screen, smiling at me, nothing but blue screen, do i see."  well, that and another cryptic error message - this time it was about missing or moved or REmoved .dlls.  oh dear.  nothing i could do to get windows to boot.  i tried changing some settings in the BIOS to see if i could force it to run even with the error.  that didn't work.  then i tried to boot from my windows installation discs.  that didn't work.  at some critical point in the process my computer would cease to recognize my keyboard (it's a usb keyboard, not PS2, and either the connection is faulty on the motherboard or my adapter is no longer working, because switching to that didn't help either).  so here i am flailing madly at the keyboard.  "hit any key?!  ok!  i'm hitting any key!  i'm hitting them all!"  to.no.avail.  called my brother.  he says there may be bios support for usb keyboards.  so i go back into the bios and find that and switch it ON.  keyboard found!  thank goodness.  i think i'm on my way.

i'm so wrong.

i make at least 6 attempts to repair windows.  they randomly freeze up mid-installation and need to be restarted.  one goes all the way through and it looks like we're going to be ok, and then i get another .dll error and i'm back to the beginning.  windows cannot be repaired.  it's now 2am and i no longer care about repairing windows.  in fact, i'd like to break some windows.  i'd like to defenestrate the whole damn thing.  *deep cleansing breaths*  k.  so, i go back and delete the contents of the drive, reformat it, and then install windows (fresh!).  it works.  finally.  except that it's stupid and it can't find any of my attached components.  it doesn't even know it has an ethernet connection.  stupid!  note to self: next time computer suffers complete meltdown, be sure to install the drivers for the motherboard FIRST.  it will save you time and frustration, and, possibly, numerous requests from windows to "ACTIVATE this copy of Windows XP or DIE!"

i install all of the windows updates once my computer figures out that it can connect to the internet.  yay.  and my anti-virus software (i love you, avg).  and open office.  and firefox.  and yahoo instant messenger.  i've lost all of my bookmarks (that's probably ok), and a few random things i hadn't moved over to my other *storage* hard drive.  and itunes (but not my music library - which is stored elsewhere).  i find that i'm ok with this.  because now i can look for alternatives to things - especially the things that irritate me - and see if there's something i like better.  i forget that when i first built this system i spent months going through this sort of thing - multiple installations of operating systems in an effort to find something i liked, and then testing various bits of software to go with them.  and i was ok with the instability of everything because i hadn't saved anything that was terribly important.  i couldn't.  the damn thing was too tempermental and unreliable.  but it was hard to summon the necessary enthusiasm and tenacity this time - i'd become complacent, trusting.  never again!  :)  CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

anyway.  it's no longer fubar.  the graphics tablet software still won't install correctly from the disc, but the drivers can be had from the manufacturer's website (those actually work).  the tablet itself doesn't quite function as i imagined it would.  it's not as sensitive as i would like (seems to require more pressure than i normally use for drawing), and the tracing function?  ha.  don't make me laugh.  it works more like a mousepad, so if you pick up the pen at all, then it jumps around.  you still have to watch the screen in order to see what you're doing, so tracing is actually harder than just watching the screen and eyeballing whatever it is that you're trying to draw.  so, the groundhog i ended up with is one that i drew myself - no tracing involved.  i just used a picture for reference.  it's not too bad. 

posted by: juuitsu at February 04, 2008 00:25 | link | comments (2) |

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