veiled exuberance

none shall pass.

i was working on my women's history month matching game today - i'm having the kids/teens/adults (ok, just library patrons in general since they all get into these things) match up quotes with the names of the women who said/sang/wrote them.  some funny ones:

Dorothy Parker: Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

Joan Rivers: If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers: I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

Elayne Boosler: When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.  Men invade another country.  It's a whole different way of thinking.

posted by: juuitsu at February 27, 2007 17:43 | link | comments (3) |

so, this is how the blanket i was working on FOREVER came out.  i had a lot of scrap yarn left over - and i guess by "scrap" i mean not only little odds and ends, but also large balls of stuff that i hadn't found another use for.  i really like how it turned out.  i sent it to live with oberon, who spends more time under it than admiring it in this fashion, but that's as it should be. :)

posted by: juuitsu at February 26, 2007 01:05 | link | comments (2) |

i think my will is not so much weak as it is divided.  it's like there's not enough will for any one thing to get accomplished - everything's got just a little bit.  if your will is equally divided, then, it just pulls you in 60 different directions and you remain...Inert.  or reading random things in front of your computer for hours.  thus the necessity of focusing your will (like sauron - all his will is Bent on It) on SomeThing (being some One thing).  and this is why, too, distractions are so perilous.  they interrupt your will.  i can't decide if this is brilliant or bullshit or both.  definitely Brought to you By the letter B!

posted by: juuitsu at February 25, 2007 03:24 | link | comments |

gah.  someone  viewed my profile and the damn blog went kablooie.  lost everything again.  DAMMIT!  this time there was less stuff.  now, shh.  no one look at me until i'm done, m'kay?  or there will be hell to pay.

i'm waiting for my dinner.  it's in the oven.  it is, in fact, pizza.  it is the only thing i can be bothered to make tonight (other than, perhaps, cheese and crackers). 

i'm in a question answering kind of mood - must not have gotten my fill of questions on the ref desk this afternoon.

things i *did* answer:

1.) who came up with meringue anyway?  the goddess was wondering about this...she's been thinking about it for awhile - you know, inventions that you can't really believe anyone ever stumbled upon because what made them do what they did?  we both thought it was something relatively recent, so imagine our surprise when we found out that the earliest recorded meringue recipe was back in the 17th century.  no WAY.  but, as it turns out, WAY.  if you're curious, you can read more about meringue (and its history) here. the part we liked best was the name of the woman responsible for recording the recipe - Lady Elinor Fettiplace. isn't that fantastic?

2.) do you have any, um, you know like books?  on monsters.  all kinds of monsters, not just one monster.  yeah.  we do.  but they're all over the place.  and this was a very *discerning* young man - he could tell whether or not he'd like something from the SPINE of the book.  i'd reach to pull something off the shelf, hoping it would suit, and he'd already be saying, "no, not that one."  he was probably 7 or 8.  maybe younger.  wow.  we finally found him a DK book (they tend to have a lot of cool pictures in addition to short blurby bits) in the YA section that he liked.  we'd gone through at least 6 others that he was *not* pleased with.  whew.  glad we found something.

3.) what is that word for words that spell other words when you spell them backwards?  ex: drawer/reward  ever tried to google something like that before?  :)  it's amusing.  lots and lots and lots of entries on palindromes.  i finally found this fun site that talked about lots of words that describe words and language (prolly could have spent the next hour reading it).  it called that phenomenon: retronym.  another site called it semordnilap - which would be 'palindromes' spelled backwards.  both make sense. 

posted by: juuitsu at February 23, 2007 01:45 | link | comments (3) |

it's like...spring.  i'm digging the extra 30 degrees we're getting weatherwise this week.  i walked out to the park today - the snow's still calf-deep on the paths there, so i stuck to the road.  but sun, oh sun, it was so fine to be out.  other people were evidently feeling the same thing.  some man i passed stopped to tell me just how great it was.  i'm comforted by the fact that there are other people who were feeling just as cooped up as me - i'm amused that we're all out at the earliest opportunity getting our sun in.  i'm so restless.

posted by: juuitsu at February 22, 2007 05:44 | link | comments (2) |

if i'd had a list, i would have crossed many things off of it tonight.  why is it that i can sometimes accomplish more in a couple hours than i can in a whole day?  must be that tricksy motivation thing.  i'm sure sick of hearing myself complain about all there is to do, so you're probably sick of it as well.  let me put it into perspective for you, though.  i'm basically trying to cram three months of stuff to accomplish into this week.  not that it all needs to be done *this* week, but it does need to happen BNZ (before new zealand).  which means i'm, like, totally freaking out?  :)

overheard at baskin robbins on sunday:

(two women in conversation jump in front of me as i head over to get some ice cream.  i wish hives upon them, but nothing happens.  they squeeze in next to me and proceed to be really obnoxiously loud and vapid.  i hate them with every fiber of my being.)

woman 1: ohmigod!  i want one of those cappuccino blasts!
woman 2: yah, me too!
woman 1: i love those.  *giggle*
woman 2: oh, we should SO totally get a cookie.
woman 1: we SHOULD.  what kind?
woman 2: chocolate chocolate chip.  duh.
woman 1: we can split it! 
woman 2: we are SO bad!'
woman 1: I KNOW!
woman 2: [to the baskin robbins employee] yah, we're next, ok?  so i want a large cappuccino blast.
woman 1: me too!
woman 2: AND we want a chocolate chocolate chip cookie - to split.  ok?
me: *rolls eyes*

once they've ordered they don't even move out of the way so that other people can, ya know, check out the ice cream or the menu or anything...  the thing i want most in the world at this moment (besides the scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream in a cup) is for them to fall off the planet in some bizarre localized gravity malfunction Incident.  but they don't.  *SIGH*  they're most likely in their 30s and they sound completely stupid...and while i realize that i can sound and be just as stupid, it's different.  mine's a game.  theirs isn't.  here's how i know: they think that half a cookie each is BAD.  half a baskin robbins cookie is how many calores?  maybe 150?  guess how many calories a large cappucino blast has...460 (according to this site).  if you're really concerned about calories, maybe cut out the cappucino blasts?  but, no.  omigod, they're just, like, so good? 

grr.

posted by: juuitsu at February 22, 2007 05:31 | link | comments (3) |

i am so not accomplishing anything useful at the moment.  i shouldn't even bother turning on the computer when there's all of this stuff i have to do.  because i can't be trusted to turn it OFF again.  ack.   instead, i have just spent 2 hours talking to Mr. Wang about this and that.  and i should stop lamenting my lack o' will power, because the incessant bitching is starting to bother me.  and also?  it doesn't help me accomplish anything either.  except fodder for the blog.  blog fodder, yay!

powder bunny is accomplishing much.  i let him out when i got home and he immediately attacked this cardboard box i have out Just For That Purpose.  he has exhausted all of his bunny rage and there are bits of shredded box everywhere.  which just adds to the list of things that i need to take care of - clean up after the bunny.  at least he's not eating my furniture.

i'm doing that thing where i start a bunch of new-and-completely-unrelated-to-anything-that-i-need-to-do projects just to stave off the boredom of the pre-existing projects that i'm disinclined to become involved with.  por ejemplo: i was updating my notebook o' lists for teens (that would be bibliographies) and i thought, hey why don't i make a list of short story collections?  and then, since my supervisor always asks me - when i make lists - if i've looked at all of the titles, i thought, hey, i'll look at the actual titles (just in case i want to weed some from the collection - which i did).  and in the process of the looking-at, i found a bunch of other things to consider.  and then i thought, you know, maybe it would be nice to have "short stories" stickers on these, so that people can easily identify them on the shelves...and that meant talking to tech services about what that sort of thing would entail (like do we have to recatalogue everything?  answer: no).  and den and den.  i tend to be kind of impulsive about things - i just decide something needs to be done and do it.  this can have...repercussions.  and, usually, in the way of things at my library, you have to get like six other people to sign off on something before you can just.do.it.  which i did not get or do.  but the person i generally report too seems more than happy that i am doing these things.  and so i am also content.  it's nice occasionally to have people saying that you're doing a great job.  even if you're not talking about all of the *other* things that you oughta be doing.  like getting ready for the book club on thursday, and prepping all of the upcoming stuff for march so that i can go on vacation without things falling apart.

i feel like my brain is all tied up in its own knots and that it can't get free.  can't concentrate.  i keep jumping from thing to thing.  i did manage to send off my traveling journals this morning - FINALLY.  i bought them months ago...and then decided i had to decorate the front covers.  then there was the necessary writing in them before sending them off somewhere.  and i wrote stuff, personal stuff, so then there was the question of who to send them to (and do i really want anyone i know to know this stuff?).  sure i do.  a few years ago, when i was 29, i came up with this idea to have a bunch of people i know write something about being on the cusp of being 30 - a sort of snapshot of where we all were and where we thought we'd be at this point in our lives...  i thought it was the coolest idea, but i only got highsmileage to play my reindeer games.  maybe the traveling journals will work out better?  not the same project at all, but it should capture that snapshot in the moment feeling nevertheless (and that should satisfy something inside of me).

will there ever be enough time?

posted by: juuitsu at February 21, 2007 04:31 | link | comments (1) |

InMyLife managed to get the jump on my listserv (for once!) with the NYT article about the newest Newbery winner.  if you don't know, the Newbery Medal "was named for eighteenth-century British bookseller John Newbery. It is awarded annually by the Association for Library Service to Children, a division of the American Library Association, to the author of the most distinguished contribution to American literature for children."  (ALA said it much better than i, *grin*)

the winner of this year's Newbery was "The Higher Power of Lucky" by Susan Patron.  and, apparently it's a Very Bad Book Indeed because she uses the word "scrotum" on the first page.  oh dear.  the main character, Lucky, is 10 years old in the book, and some people have put it at a 3rd 4th grade audience (possibly because of the age of the protagonist - kids seem to read *up* - they like to read about people their own age or somewhat older).  people are, naturally, FREAKING out because of the LANGUAGE.  the language being "scrotum" (and i'll say it again) on the first page.

k.  some links: the NYTArticle, the Newbery Medal

and, i'm sure if you go check this title out on amazon, you'll find a host of comments about how BAD it is, because people with agendas and opinions like to blast things.  i read a really excellent review of  a teen book on sexuality the other day in one of the library journals, and when i went to check amazon for availability, several reviewers had already villified it.

i haven't read it, so i am going to reserve my final word on it.

here's the thing, though.  "scrotum" is just a word.  and it's *just* being taken out of context.  and this is what censors do *all the time*.  is it a bad word?  no.  will it make the 3rd and 4th graders giggle?  if they know what it is...yes.  if they don't...they might ASK YOU.  oh god.  NO!  does the inclusion of said word make this a bad book?  probably not.  it won an award.  a *bunch* of people read this and thought it was "the most distinguished contribution to American literature for children."  does that mean you have to think so, too?  no way. 

and that's the whole point.  there are different books for different people.  something is going to disagree with some person somewhere.  one person's favorite is another person's worst nightmare.  it's inevitable.  we all like different things.  and that's ok.  it gets to be a problem when people feel that something that they personally didn't like/disagreed with/thought was inappropriate try to keep other people from reading it.  that's censorship.  no one gets to say what you can and can't read (once you're legally an adult, that is).

it gets a bit tricky for children's literature because children are special.  their parents are responsible for them, and they want to protect them (and not expose them, presumably, to words like 'scrotum').  so there are hundreds of book challenges received every year.  there's a whole "Banned Books Week" to celebrate the fact that these books are now (and still!) available on library shelves (see ALA's Banned Books Week page for more information).  the OIF (Office of Intellectual Freedom, associated with ALA - American Library Association) keeps tracks of the challenges that *it* receives, and between 2000-2005 it received 3,019 challenges.  books are challenged for all kinds of reasons, and the OIF tries to classify all the challenges it receives by *reason*.  here are the top reasons during that timeframe: offensive language (811), sexually explicit content (714), unsuited to age group (504), violence (405), occult/satanism (229).  there are also 583 challenges classified as *other* - not sure what those were. 

i don't believe that most authors are out to corrupt children.  i don't think they want to turn your children into witches, werewolves, vampires, sex-addicts, satanists, demons, lesbians, or, god forbid, demon- sex-addict-lesbian-werewolves.  but that'd make a great story. (there are people out there who *do* want to turn your children into christians.  so beware.  sorry.  had to get that out of my system.  i personally object to other people subjecting me to their taste, religion, beliefs in any manner that involves coercion, manipulation, blackmail, brainwashing, violence.  and i reserve the right to walk away, close the book, turn off the tv, whatever if i don't want to hear, read, see anymore.  as is anyone.)  i also don't have children, so you can feel free to point out that i don't really understand. 

i understand that it is totally legitimate for parents to guide their children's reading experience.  and i hope that they see themselves as reading *guides* not reading *dictators*.  my parents brought home lots of books for me when i was a kid.  i don't know if they spent a lot of time picking them out (although we did spend plenty of time together at the library choosing books).  there was a time when i would read pretty much anything.  if i ran out of things of my own to read, i'd pick up someone else's books.  after reading two of my mother's romance novels i was dead set against romances for a good 10 years.  she wasn't exactly thrilled that i'd read them - and she started bringing home *other* kinds of books for herself - but she didn't get upset with me or forbid me to read any more or anything like that.  i'd already figured out that i wasn't interested/ready/whatever.  i wasn't damaged by the experience.  i don't think i'm exactly unique.  don't most kids miss things that they don't understand and absorb what they're ready for?  there are some parents who will read whatever their kids are reading right along with them and then they get together and discuss it - like a family book club.  i think that's cool, too.  then there's an opportunity to talk about *issues* - do you think this use of the word "scrotum" was appropriate?  what the heck IS a scrotum anyway? 

i object to the kind of policing that leads to censorship - get this OUT of here so that NO child EVER will be subjected to it AGAIN.  of course, i feel that way about Eragon.  but there are plenty of people who love it... 

and now i'm going to stop writing about this and think about something else for awhile.  because i still have to read this book.  and that one.  and that one over there.  all of these books want my attention. 

posted by: juuitsu at February 19, 2007 14:06 | link | comments (6) |

what was it buffy said?  i just want to graduate high school, go to europe, marry christian slater and die!  right.  i'm wondering if she wasn't right.  we can't all have christian slater, tho.  he'd develop an inflated opinion of himself.  we don't want that.  i don't want that. 

speaking of inflated heads...before crawling off to recover from his night of debauchery, mr. wang mentioned that he and his wife had a party last night and invited three other couples over.  he didn't stick around to chat, tho.  no.  he immediately snuck off to make out with one of his guests.  his wife had to come and get him to say goodnight to everyone else when they left.  he said he felt like he ought to apologize for being such a bad host.  i said, "i'm sure at least *one* of your guests appreciated the undivided attention."  *snort*  i think i am living vicariously through his bedroom adventures.  i almost can't believe that he's real.  and if it turns out that he's not, at least i've been entertained by all of his stories.

i'm listening to "Someone Said" by J Mascis...i just spent about 15 minutes scrolling through my music library trying to find it this song - couldn't remember what it was called or who sings it (which is really not a lot different from the people who come up to the reference desk).  yeah, i don't know what the movie's called, or who's in it, or what it's about...but it was good.  can you tell me if you have it?  only if you give me one bit of information i can use, baby.  i'm not a mind-reader.  well, except for those times you get lucky and i just happen to know what you're talking about - then i make it all look like magic and people nearly fall over themselves being impressed with my librarian powers. 

i was writing postcards to oberon earlier.  it happened by accident.  i was walking into the other room intending to watch Invader Zim, and i happened to look down at the postcards i'd gotten from him today...and before i knew it i was reading them.  and then i was thinking of things to say in response.  i can't deny the response.  it makes me cranky when i put it off and forget everything i meant to say.  so i sat down for an hour or so and wrote back.  did i tell you about the postcard project?  over the summer i ran across my collection of griffin and sabine postcards which i've never sent to anyone because i loved them so much.  but i was in one of those "why do i need all of this stuff??" kinds of moods.  and i decided that it would be better to use them on someone i like and let them serve their purpose instead of sitting in my desk drawer.  things need to be used and seen to be appreciated.  not...hoarded.  since there were so many, i sent a postcard every day.  and this continued until there were no more griffin and sabine postcards.  i could have stopped at that point, but i had other postcards and plenty of words to fill them...so, now, months later, i'm still doing it.  oberon came on board sometime in september and now i've got a collection of his words, too.  *whispers* i really like the postcard project. */whispers*  it's one of the most satisfying things i've got going on - both in terms of sending and receiving.  i've been drawing/painting them for the past couple of months now, so i get to be artistic as well.

i'm having a hard time (as i occasionally do) figuring out what i'm *doing* with my life.  maybe if i *were* one of those planners i'd have figured it out by now.  or, you know, i'd have a destination in mind.  instead...well, i wing it a lot and see where that takes me.  there's the terrifying spontaneity and exhilarating novelty which degenerates into That Which Feels Like I Have Been Doing It Forever.  and that's both satisfying and unsatisfying in its predictibility and stability.  there are some days i feel super efficient and brilliant and competent...and that's enough to keep me going.  but, i'm not really invested.  i find that i think and care about other things.  and i'm not sure that changing jobs is going to help with that.  does getting monetary compensation validate or invalidate that *care*?  i was talking about it with my reference copilot a little today - we both said we liked the creativity and *fun* of planning stuff, but actually implementing it isn't always great.  this isn't really how i want to make my mark on/change the world.  but i haven't quite put my finger on what that thing shall be.  so i guess i ought to keep slogging on.

sometimes i just want to read what i want to read and not have to think about who i'm gonna recommend it to and how i'm gonna sell it later on.  and i'd like to not have to worry about how i'm going to make a difference in some young person's life because of what i've said or done.  i'm really impressed by the folks out there who are advocates for youth.  the youth are important - they're cool people.  but i find that while i agree with the party line, even believe in it strongly, i don't want that to be my life's work or my mission.  the people who do it well are all out there and up in people's faces and making themselves be seen and heard...and that's not quite my idiom.  i'm more goofy, quirky, hiding in secret places, writing subversive stuff.  and i feel sometimes like what they (my superiors) want from me is more than i'm willing to give.  i'm NOT naturally ON all the time.  big audiences make me nervous and nauseous - especially when i have to care about what i say and do and about how it's being received.  it's like numbers count more to them than individual relationships.  *sigh*  and then there's the part where we've lost our program space/meeting room.  so there's all of this pressure to do things and bring people into the library and make sure we're in the public eye, and then they make it that much harder by having NOWHERE to PUT anyone.  i'm frustrated with it.  not only do they demand that i do stuff i don't like, but then they make it harder than ever to do it.  reluctance...growing...  sometimes it's empowering - doing all of the stuff that i know is hard for me and handling it with aplomb.  but often it's just exhausting and i can't wait for it to be over.  which brings me back to what i was writing the other day - "there are some weeks you just want to be over."  i don't want to feel like this.  i don't want to live my life for the down time.  i'd like to have a few more hours that i can feel good about, for which i can be present.  i wonder if that's something anyone's willing to work with.

posted by: juuitsu at February 18, 2007 06:11 | link | comments (4) |

little boy: do you have the book "the day my butt went psycho?"

me: gosh, i hope so.

posted by: juuitsu at February 17, 2007 20:54 | link | comments (1) |

k, what i'm doing NOW is splitting that post into TWO.  so, in the event that i lose this part, at least i won't have to type the first part again.  sweet. 

monkeybaby and i went to see the new drew barrymore movie (Music & Lyrics, i believe it's called) last night.  i think she was surprised by my willingness, nay, enthusiasm to see it.  i really like drew barrymore.  i think she's cute.  and lately she's been in a lot of cute things (not, obviously, Poison Ivy - which isn't recent anyway, but popped into my head as soon as i tried to come up with something 'notcute' that drew's done).  hugh grant also does a lot of cute things.  it was, in fact, cute.  hugh plays this aging former pop-star who has a chance to make a comeback by writing a song for some hugely popular teensexsymbol musical phenomenon (think britneychristinaavril).  he's completely hopeless with words, though.  drew's character is a fragile aspiring writer who just happens to be filling in for hugh's regular "plant lady" (plants make women comfortable - did ya know?  that's why he keeps them).  she kills all of his plants, but they write a brilliant song together.  it's completely unbelievable, plotwise, but amused me anyway.  aw, sweet.  plus, monkeybaby and i kept up a running commentary throughout.  you should see it just for the music video hugh's 80's band does at the beginning and end.  that is the best thing ever.

we also got thai food.  which i seem to be eating a lot of these days.  yum. 

over dinner, mb said something in passing about how she knows i don't like her husband as much as i like her.  which is true, but made me feel like maybe i'd been a *bit* vituperative in something i'd said.  it's not that i *dislike* him so much - i just don't know him as well as i know her.  and some of the things i hear him say, or that mb repeats to me...well, they piss me off, because i'm totally mb's advocate.  but here's the thing - people we like/love all do things occasionally that piss us off - and that doesn't necessarily make them bad people or mean that we like/love them any less.  so, mb, if i seem to be all up in arms over something your honey has said/done, it's only because i'm totally in your corner - not because i'm hating on your guy.

posted by: juuitsu at February 17, 2007 06:06 | link | comments |

oh mother of god.

it's happened again.  i had this super wonderful lovely long post and i hit something and...*insert expletive* and it backed up my browser and i lost EVERYTHING.  argh.  god, i hate that.  i mean i REALLY hate that.  oberon would say (and may later say) that this is the worst thing as once you've typed out all your thoughts you're done with them - *he's* done with them.  me too.  stupid stupid stupid.  (i'm not sure if i'm referring to my fingers, the keyboard, the browser, myself, or what...but, stupid stupid stupid!)

so.  let's try again, shall we?  if i lose this again i'm totally breaking something. 

i've done an ill-advised thing - i took a 4 hour nap this evening.  i had no idea i was so tired.  after a 2-hour tramp (really, it was more of a trudge) through the snow this afternoon, i had a little dinner and planned to finish up the book i'm reading (ONE of the bookS i'm reading).  i can't get through anything this week, though.  everything's putting me to sleep.  i find myself trying to read through my eyelids.  one minute i'm processing words, the next i'm wondering why it's so dark.  this is the kind of pseudo-conscious state i'd work myself into regularly in high school and college (where i managed to give up sleeping more than 4 hours a night).  i'd even think i *was* still reading while i hovered over the page, dreaming up new content.  i'd wake up a few minutes later wondering why the text was so different from what had been taking place in my head.  sometimes i took notes.  yeah, so i couldn't actually *read* them, but i did scrawl things in my sleep.  i thought i'd grown out of this.  everything i'm reading right now is for fun.  (yay!)  but i'm too tired to make any progress - or i need something more engaging.  :)

about an hour ago...
there was a man outside screaming obscenities.  he kept waking me up out of my nap.  i suppose i should thank him for that, or somewhere about 2 a.m. i'd wake up, tangled in blankets, half out of my clothes, wild-haired and eyed only to scream obscenties myself.  i'm sure my neighbors are used to shenanigans by now, though.  i kept thinking this might be a reprise of a similar performance that took place over a year ago during a rainstorm.  same man, maybe?  someone called the police and they drove by, but weren't able to locate said man - who was hiding in an entryway across the street from my building.  *i* could see him, but they couldn't.  it's mildly freaky.  i can't tell if he's crazy, drunk, or just ebullient and blowing off some steam.  if it's either of the first two, i don't want to get involved.  if it's the latter, he needs to go shout his obscenities somewhere else so i can go back to bed. 

posted by: juuitsu at February 17, 2007 05:40 | link | comments (1) |

dream.

he's some kind of spirit.  and this is some kind of ritual that keeps him happy, keeps him coming.  i'm not sure why i care about either, but i *can* follow directions and i do.  he never comes inside - only to the back porch, and only at night when no one else is around.  then he may perch near the window, or sit in one of the chairs with the shadows falling across him like insubstantial ivy - there and not there.  we don't speak until i bring him a drink - the actual drink isn't important, but i've learned that he likes milk - skim milk.  so i leave a glass for him.  i don't know if he comes regardless, or knows when i want him, or how it works.  it just does.  i never see him drink, but the milk is gone when he leaves.  i always carry an empty glass through the window. 

my window is large and set over the porch.  the sill is wide and flat and, with a cushion, comfortable.  mostly i sit in the window.  if i have to go outside to him or back inside for something, i go through the window - never the door.  i never think about how strange it is not to use the door.  the door feels like an interruption, or like the entrance to some normal world, of which *he* is not a part.  the window is part of the ritual, and i'm almost sure that coming through the door would violate whatever agreement we have - the one i've inherited from whoever did this before.  i don't know what she promised, if she promised.  i don't know what was arranged.  but i do know these small things, the actions i always perform.  i think he may be fae.  he's definitely fey.  some nights we talk and talk and some nights we look at one another in silence.  sometimes i study my toes and feel him watching me.  when i look up, his eyes are too dark to know what he's thinking.  he could hide that anyway - easily.  i'm both comfortable and uncomfortable in his presence.  i never know what he wants or why he comes.  and i'm afraid sometimes that it's either more or less than i'm willing to give.

and one night he does not come.  there's someone else - another of his kind.  dark curling hair.  wicked, wicked smile.  this one meets my eyes - always.  and he sees through, into all of my darkness.  it's terrifying.  it's exhilarating.  i know that it is forbidden to ask about the other - what's happened to him - i should want to know, even...but i find i don't care.  i accept he is gone.  and i know, somehow, that he won't be back.  there is only this new one.

i'm nervous, anxious, unsure.  i've brought him a glass of milk, but perhaps his tastes are different?  will he want something instead?  should i bring him...?  tea. he asks for tea.  and then oranges - blood oranges.  and while i'm peeling fruit, he sticks his head through the window and asks for cake.  i'm almost annoyed.  cake, too?  i glare at him and say he can make his own damn cake - there's a mix.  he winks.  i look through the cabinets when he's got his orange and there is no cake mix.  i find bread.  lots of bread.  challa, and cinnamon swirl, and some artisan bread with mold deliberately cultured in it - like bleu cheese.  he samples them all.  he smiles, is suddenly gone. 

i wake.

posted by: juuitsu at February 15, 2007 13:57 | link | comments (2) |

i started off typing, "there are some weeks you just want to be over..." and then thought, well, what a damn waste of time!  why am i wasting my time like this?  i.don't.know.  i'll think about this more later.

my schedule is all screwed up this week because i'm going to a workshop on friday.  since i was supposed to be *off* that day, we've had to find me some other time to be off...and for some reason we couldn't just find another DAY, we had to have me work half days.  not sure why; didn't care at the time i talked to The Maker of Schedules.  so, yesterday i left at 12:45, and today i didn't go in until 4.  i had a really fantastic nap this afternoon.  i'd wake up every few minutes, and then sleep for an hour, and then wake up every few minutes, sleep for another hour.  i felt verrrrrrrrrry lethargic, but soooooooo comfortable. 

usually, it doesn't feel like any time at all when i work half a day, but i had a teacher come in at 5 tonight with a list of 102 topics that her students needed to "become experts" in/about.  ack.  so i helped her out.  actually, she dropped off her list and i pulled all the stuff i could find.  she came back just before closing and took home a cart load (literally) of books.  our circ stats are gonna be great this month.  credit goes to ME.  head of reference said to remind her that we don't do big teacher projects like this.  right.  except that i just did.  and it took 3 hours.  and...i don't know.  i don't really mind working on big projects, but it might be more instructive to get the kids involved and doing it.  this will expose them to *stuff* that's out there on their topics, but they won't have had any of the experience of looking for information on their topics themselves.  we want a good relationship with schools and teachers (unfortunately, this teacher teaches outside our district, so it's not technically the area we want to focus on), but when we get something like this we...tell them "We don't do that."  it's bizarre.  why don't we want what we say we want?  oh yeah.  staff time.  i didn't want to tell her no, so i asked for more advance notice, or if she could break up the amount of stuff she needed into more manageable chunks so that it didn't hit us all at once.  she seemed totally willing to do that.  we'll see how it goes.  i've helped her before, so we haven't scared her off yet. :)

then, AT closing, we had a girl looking for information on one of our state representatives, and there was almost nothing about her - except what i could find on the illinois representatives page...and we kept not finding anything more for another 15 minutes...and that was frustrating - both for the girl and for us.  the representative didn't seem to have any more *personal* information available than what was given in her brief biography...so we suggested that the girl call her business office and see if they could point her toward more.  i hate last minute things.  my brain feels like it's just run a marathon, though.

got home LATE. 

posted by: juuitsu at February 15, 2007 04:27 | link | comments (2) |

there's at least one blog i read semi-regularly where the author states that she's only sharing the important and worthy stuff with us, her audience.  and sometimes i inwardly cringe when i read that, because i don't always have important and worthy stuff to say.  i just have stuff.  and for me, it's not about only saying it when it's good, it's about establishing a habit where i write regularly so that, you know, i keep doing it (because that's important to me).  but sometimes i feel like...yeah, there's not a whole lot to say.  :)  and other times?  i just don't have any time to write down the stuff (even when it has the potential to be good).  or i try, and it comes out really really really bad, and it has me sitting here FORever writing words, erasing words, writing *other* words, and eventually sighing and wandering off.  that thing that anne lamott says about writing really bad first drafts is true.  just write them.  you can fix whatever needs to be fixed later.  that's how i've been writing grants, and important letters lately - poorly, but with the right ideas, and then later (sometimes VERY much later) i go back and make them sound better.  hmm.  speaking of, i *still* haven't gotten final approval on my most recent grant application.  director was out almost all last week.  who's supposed to make all of those important decisions in her absence, hmm? 

oh no. 

i had a thought about something else i wanted to say here, and shit, it's just gone.  i meant to write it first.  that's the thing that made me come over here to write at ALL, and now it's just missing.  i hate when that happens.  i figured i'd get the other thing off my chest (because the amount of stuff that's piling up there is getting unwieldly, and it's not like it's good for anything) first since i'd found some words (finally).

ah.
it's back.

i'm finding that i'm not much of a planner. 

i don't know if this is just an instance of resistance-to-planning that i'm experiencing, or if i'm just this WAY.  i'm going to new zealand in a month and i'm really really excited about it...but i'm not particularly interested in planning the whole trip now.  and people keep asking me what i'm going to do.  uh, for me the big part was buying the ticket.  everything that comes after is just, well, we'll see what happens, because obviously stuff is going to happen once i get there and need to find a place to stay and some things to do.  and i think the first inkling that it was going to be a problem was when one of my traveling companions announced that she thought we should stay in B&Bs the whole time we're going to be there...which would be *really* expensive.  and i would rather spend my money on other things.  in that same e-mail, she noted that it might be fun to spend a day in wine country...and while the country might be nice, i have no interest in sampling wines at all.  she's also the one who's been really gung-ho about planning everything Right Freakin' Now.  i think my initial excitement lost some of its shine when i found out that one of our party is used to traveling in style and seems to expect that the rest of us follow suit.  i'm reluctant to plan under those circumstances (except to run away from her as soon as possible).  *grin*

posted by: juuitsu at February 12, 2007 03:04 | link | comments (9) |

i watched "Transgeneration" last night, which was a made for tv documentary of several college students as they lived as transsexuals.  there were several girl --> guy transformations and several guy --> girl ones.  everyone cross-dressed, some of them started taking hormones, and a couple had surgery to make them *more* whatever sex it was that they thought truly expressed their inner gender.  they'd split it up into episodes, and it ended up being a lot longer than i thought it would be.  after so much exposure, it's only natural that i dreamt i was a boy... :)  but, you know, not a boy who wanted to be a girl, or a girl who had become a boy...just a boy.  that's who i was.  and i guess that's the message that a lot of transsexuals have - "it's just who i am."  and then they try and fix the body that they have to reflect that person. 

posted by: juuitsu at February 11, 2007 15:01 | link | comments (6) |

from a plot synopsis...

"A man finds comfort butchering dozens of chickens..."

WHAT?

posted by: juuitsu at February 09, 2007 19:23 | link | comments (2) |

i just started reading John Green's new book, "An Abundance of Katherines."  i love it.  he includes all sorts of details that aren't necessary to the story, but that give your brain additional things to munch on while you're reading.  he footnotes a lot.  things happen in the footnotes.  there's a paragraph where he details the thought process of one of the characters.  it makes sense in my brain.  there are lots of new words.  and, many of them are in different languages.  all of these things make for a happy me.  his last book, "Looking for Alaska" won the Printz award last year (one of the teen book awards) and it was fantastic, too.  a bit grungy, but with the same attention to detail.  the main character in that one memorized people's final words (one of Green's hobbies) and it was liberally sprinkled with the same.  i love the quirky stuff that makes things unique.

posted by: juuitsu at February 08, 2007 18:39 | link | comments |

"these are not the droids you're looking for."

posted by: juuitsu at February 05, 2007 23:50 | link | comments (1) |

there are three reasons why i'm never going to be a *great* guitar player

1.) i practice sporadically.  and by that i mean like once every three weeks i pick it up and can't put it down and then my fingers are so painfully ow after that one session that i have to wait another three weeks to pick it up again (well, ok, not THAT long, but long enough to make me forget that it's one of those things i could be doing).

2.) it takes me at least 15 minutes to tune it before i get around to actually playing anything.  and then there's the in-play tuning that has to take place because, even after listening to the strings and matching them up with the online guitar tuner thingie at 8Notes.com, it's still somehow slightly off.  my musical ear may need a hearing aid (maybe one of those large ear horns?).

3.) i...have very little idea what i'm doing.  i can figure out chords.  i can read a little music.  but mostly i rely on the online community of peoples that courteously chords things out for me - and by this, i mean they give me the letter of the chord and i look it up on another website (if i don't know it), and after messing around with the fingering (of my own devising) i try and keep it in my head.  i have not actually memorized any of the songs i play.  i have them all bookmarked in a folder called: GUITAR.  it takes me forever and a day to sound things out by ear.  hm.  this is remniscent of my experience trying to teach myself how to play my grandparents' organ and then, later, the piano. 

wait, there's more.  i'll come in again.  4.  FOUR reasons why i'm never going to be a great guitar player

4.) i am soooo not musically gifted.  i bet that would help. 

there are probably more. 

and still?  i like the guitar.  it amuses me. 

posted by: juuitsu at February 05, 2007 01:40 | link | comments (7) |

i am so sore.  but it is the "i have been up half the night practicing my ninja skillz on someone i like" kind of sore rather than some paltry soreness substitute.  yes.  i'm also a little confused about where sunday went.  isn't there supposed to be more weekend?  no permanent injuries, anyway, so that's good.

i'm almost tempted to watch the superbowl...just because i *know* that's what everyone will be talking about tomorrow.  it's hard to go anywhere in chicagoland and not hear the inevitable "go bears" that's come to express something similar to "aloha" - hello, goodbye, love...and, "solidarity, brah."  i'm not sure what to make of the phenomenon.  i was a kid back when the bears last won the superbowl, but i remember singing the superbowl shuffle and all of the insanity surrounding the build up to the game - and its aftermath.  we had people asking for copies of the superbowl shuffle at the library yesterday...that, and video of the 1986 game.  no luck.  i think my dad has it on VHS.  so, it's kind of exciting and at the same time it kind of irritates me that there's all of this superbowl brouhaha - at least in the way that the phrase "go bears" has insinuated itself into the vernacular.  because it wants to be answered in kind.  and my nature is to resist.  so we have a game of irresistible force meets immovable object.  i've held my tongue thus far, but my impulse is to say something like, "black power!" and do a fist pump.  i mean, why not?  this is also black history month, after all.  yeah.  but i think people would take it the wrong way and i'd end up offending someone.  still...

on a totally unrelated note...i was out to breakfast with monkeybaby the other day and she said something about how her husband was disappointed in the models in playboy magazine - they're all sporting that *shorn* look in the vicinity of their pubes.  mb was saying that if hubbydear wanted to see *real* women he should come and hang out in the ladies' locker room at her gym - where the lady gardens run to the wild and untamed.  "LADY GARDENS??"  i have never heard anything so funny in my life.  it makes me want to write bad romances.  *sigh*

posted by: juuitsu at February 05, 2007 00:53 | link | comments (3) |

discovery: i really like those yogurt covered/dipped pretzels.  a lot.  yum.

posted by: juuitsu at February 03, 2007 17:31 | link | comments (1) |

JM called me CRANKY!  what the heck? 

posted by: juuitsu at February 03, 2007 16:27 | link | comments (2) |

funny titles i've seen today:

Do Nymphomaniacs Really Exist?  The Ultimate Q&A for Guys - Ian Coults

because, you know someone out there is hoping the answer is YES!  :)

 

How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist (and if He Is, Should You Break Up with Him?) - Patricia Carlin

this one sounds really good.  i wonder if there's a dichotomous key to help you identify whether or not your boyfriend is the antichrist.  and i'm curious...how many antichrists can there be, really? 

posted by: juuitsu at February 03, 2007 16:27 | link | comments (1) |

i've been having really mundane dreams this week.  for instance: one night this week i dreamt that i cleaned out and reorganized my parents' basement.  who knows what i did with my brother.  he may live down there in the waking world, but in this dream there was absolutely no trace of him.  you would not have believed how nice the finished effect was.  seriously.  if you saw the basement, you'd think it a herculean task.  but somehow i did it.  and i was so satisfied with the end result i just stood there grinning at it.  as i woke up i realized that it was only a dream...and yet i still felt as thought i'd accomplished something amazing.  hmm.  somebody better check on my brother. 

i miss the strange dreams.

posted by: juuitsu at February 03, 2007 04:21 | link | comments |

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