veiled exuberance

none shall pass.

i woke up slightly before my alarm this morning and for some reason thought that meant i had all the time in the world to get ready for work.  so instead of doing that, i threw on some clothes and went for a walk (because all the time in the world = time enough for a stroll).  it was pouring out.  i had my winnie the pooh umbrella in hand.  it did not manage to keep me dry.  but i can't complain too much, as it was warm enough out so that i wasn't uncomfortable.  i kept thinking of mr. myebug from Cold Comfort Farm (which you should totally see if you haven't yet - and that would be the movie and not the series), who remarked that he was "soaked in nature's fecund blessing."  yes, that exactly.  :)

you'll be pleased to know that i found my note to self from the other day.  it was, in fact, still in my backpack in the pocket where i remember putting it - although, it still managed to elude me when i went digging for it.  i think this is just further proof that my theory about other dimensional pockets is valid. 

the first item reads: "who is that manhandling my anteater?"  i have this bookcase in my office (the office itself is shared with up to 6 other people) that used to live next to my desk on which i store donated books and other thingies that i plan to use as prizes and whatnot for programs and contests and thingies that i do.  in addition to books, it also contains a beanie baby anteater.  the shelf managed to live by my desk for a day, and then the maintenance guy moved it because they were having a board meeting in our (ah, now it's 'our' is it?) office and needed (i guess) the space near my desk for someone to pull out their chair.  whatever.  so now the shelf lives over by the door to our office and this door leads into the library proper.  so the other day when the door was open, some child wandered back - unbeknownst to the staff at the reference desk - and after considering my shelf for a time, picked up the anteater and stroked it lovingly.  one of my coworkers found him loving up the anteater, and upon seeing her, he cautiously replaced it on the shelf and dashed away as if his life depended on it.  indeed, it did.

yeah.  i think that's all i feel like sharing for the time being.  :)

posted by: juuitsu at November 29, 2006 05:08 | link | comments (7) |

so, i got home tonight and was much too tired to do much of anything, so i climbed into bed with a glass of milk (set carefully on the nightstand) and a couple of cookies, and a book and proceeded to...fall asleep.  i was drifty for a couple of hours and then i dreamt:

it started out with other people.  me and these people were up at my grandma's house in wisconsin, and mom, who was both there and not there, kept telling us not to go into this one room to sleep.  i can't quite remember how she described it.  it was something "dark and eldritch" [and that comes straight out of the book i was reading before i fell asleep] and it sent these rather disturbing chills down my spine every time i turned the words over in my mind.  it made me think the room had teeth...but the meaning is just outside of my comprehension - like it *did* have teeth in some sense, but not quite what we're used to thinking of when we say that.  we, of course, kept forgetting about what she'd said, and eventually we opened the door and walked in - intending to sleep there.  there was something slightly off about the room...it seemed colder and damper than the rest of the house, as though it had been left open to the air for a long time - on purpose.  we paused by the bed in the act of fluffing pillows and again there was mom's voice (disembodied) reminding us that the room was...something...then, louder, over her voice there were these wet noises.  then there was us becoming slowly aware that the room was in some way sentient.  then...a shift of scene.

he and i in a library near closing time.  we're standing near the circulation desk and it's not crowded.  in fact, it's a little strange that there are so few staff around right at closing time.  you'd think they'd be out in droves to herd people out of the library so they can get home.  he presses something into my hands and whispers for me to hide it...i'm holding it and looking at him and walking away, inching my way over to the book drop.  i realize i don't know what he's given me, but he's smiling encouragingly and nodding as i get closer to the drop.  just as i'm about to let go of whatever it is, i realize that it's one of his traveling journals, and the book drop may not be the best place to put it.  it's all wrapped in bubble wrap for some reason - which is why i wasn't able to figure out what it was before then [or this is how i rationalize it].  i stand still wondering what other place i can leave it.  he's making these impatient gestures to hurry up already.  i'm trying to recall where the literature number is...i've just had an idea!  i'm going to hide it near the "Writer's Market" which is in the Reference section, in the 808s.  [i'm actually curious to see where we have it.  i wonder if i'm right or if my brain is just fabricating a number that *sounds* decent/close enough.]  the lights go, so we're illuminated only by the emergency lights.  still no staff, though the place is obviously closing.  i make my hide and we hear someone/thing (finally!), so we make a dash into a nearby study room to wait them out.

we're huddled up together hiding from whatever's out there.  many long minutes later it seems to have passed/moved on, but we remain.  i turn around to whisper something to him, but he's so close i end up brushing his lip with mine, which is fine, actually, because it gives me an excuse to kiss him.  and we do that for a really long time - completely forgetting that we're possibly locked in a library that's closed around us.  because, ya know, there are more important (or at least distracting) things going on.  his mouth tastes slightly tangy - another one of those almost-but-not-quite recognized things that seem to be a hallmark of this particular dream.  he stumbles into a chair that's behind him, and sits down hard.  i cilmb into his lap - i don't think we've stopped to breathe yet - and the kissing continues (unabated!) - now with a fair amount of rubbing up against one another in delightful ways.  :)  this is going along nicely when i wonder why i don't have more erotic dreams like this and wake up.  dammit.

[edit] i WAS right about 808!  yesss! [/edit]

posted by: juuitsu at November 29, 2006 04:29 | link | comments |

took myself to the woods today because, like thoreau, i "wished to live deliberately." 

actually, i thought i was going to be busy today, but it turns out i was mistaken, so i suddenly had a whole day for myself - which, as you know, *should* be filled with adventures (and not necessarily of the responsible nature).

living deliberately - why is it so difficult to remind myself of that?  and so easy to just do what i'm accustomed to doing? 

while i was hiking with roger in hawaii, he kept asking me what my favorite places were - favorite place in chicago, favorite place to go hiking, etc..  and i don't have anything like that.  i rarely go into the city, and when i *do* go it's most often to the art institute and that's not even indicative of anything.  it's easy to get to on the train, and, i dunno, there have been some exhibits that were good.  but it's definitely not because i'm hip to the art scene or anything, or because it's my favorite place.  i end up there.  and as for hikes, they're usually all about convenience.  i go out and walk wherever i happen to be.  if it's a place i don't usually go, that's great, because i get to see new things and maybe find nooks and crannies that i'd never have encountered otherwise.  if it's a familiar place, that's fine, too - there's still a chance i'll see something new, or revisit something familiar, or just float along in my own thoughtful presence.

i realized i have no favorite place to go and no favorite place to hike.  and in addition to lacking those, all of my other favorites are plurals, in that nothing stands alone at the pinnacle of experience anymore.  i wonder how this happened.  have i ceased to to sound my barbaric yawp?  is my mark on the world slowly being erased by some tide of passing time?  can one fade away because certain things cease to be important anymore?  i still get cravings, i still have preferences, i still have moments where i want my own way like nobody's business.  but i have no favorite place.  this bugs me a little bit, because it seems like something i *ought* to have.

"are we the fools for being surprised that a silence could end with no sound?  like the silent movie era, like with snow, like when sal's burned down.  well, yeah there was noise, but nothing to mark the passing of, of that great unspoken chance we'd found.  where the night's end came well-trod and familiar, like the charlie chaplin walk that fades to black.  and there wasn't anyone trying to sell their soul, they were only trying to buy them back." ~ Dar Williams

since i have no "sal's" of my own, i've got nothing to miss if it should burn down.  i started going to the starbucks on the square a few weeks ago to write - once or twice a week.  it's never too busy to concentrate, and there are enough people there to give you a sense of, what, community, shared space without direct interference?  i'm not sure.  sometimes i just like having people around me, but without the burden of having to interact with them too much.  smiles over herbal tea and passing comments are fine.  it *could* become a favorite place just because i'm not going anywhere else.  :)  i rather resent that it's a starbucks, however, that's caught my fancy.  i'd like it to be, ya know, some independent establishment with lots of character that's attracting other people like me.  but, i'm going to take what i can get.  it's *right there* and easy access and convenience are big things in its favor.  i'm pretty sure if starbucks burns down they'll either remodel, or i can visit the one across the street.  ha-ha.  just kidding.  (they are pretty damn ubiquitious, though.)

i did, once upon a time, spend a lot of time at the coffee house in college.  one of our alumni opened it up after he graduated - right across the street from the school - as competition for the coffee "shop," which was in the student center and really didn't have quite the same atmosphere.  the coffee house was much cooler.  they had decent chai and italian sodas.  miriam and i started going there together in the afternoon and we'd be there till dinnertime.  i remember there being some boy she had a crush on who would show up there around the same time.  we'd all gab and she'd flirt with him.  it wasn't too crowded then - and it could get terribly crowded after 6 or so when everyone was scrambling for some ambience and a decent place to study/meet people/hook up.  this went on for some time.  and then it didn't.  i don't know when we stopped going exactly, nor can i pinpoint any reason why.  that's just how it happened.  aaaand, i guess i went back to hanging out in my other places afterward.

my usual walk is about 4 miles.  i do a loop through town out to the park and back.  there are some funky old houses that people have restored and there's a miniature oak forest on the far side of the park that's really cool to walk through if i've got time (and i usually don't - at night it's kinda spooky all by myself).  but there's a difference between usual and favorite.  i know a bunch of places to walk/hike, but that doesn't mean that there's a deep connection between me and them.  although, occasionally, i'll be hiking somewhere alone and wish i could share something about it with someone else - in that "i wish you could see this!" kind of way.  which also doesn't a favorite place make.  hmph.  but, after all of this habitual walking around town, i can pretty much time myself in other places and know how far i've walked.  heh.  maybe that'll be useful some day.

there was one hike that stands out in my mind - when i was 10 or 11 (and in girl scouts), we went to starved rock to camp and hike and do girl scout-y things.  stacylou's dad drove some of us up.  he can be kind of a difficult person to relate to - gruff and demanding - but he was in a pretty good mood for this trip.  we had been entertaining him for the past hour or so with every commercial jingle we could remember.  he was particularly impressed with our medly of carpet sales tunes.  on the last day of our campout, we were supposed to meet up in the park for a barbecue.  stacylou's dad took some of us on a hike first....yeah, we were lost for hours.  i don't know how far we went, but we saw some of the coolest stuff - waterfalls, streams, tadpoles.  we were climbing up great sandy cliffs, we were balancing on rocks across rushing water.  it was fantastic.  when we finally got to the park, we were really late, the other adults were *worried* and i think they had some *words* about it, but we all - including stacylou's dad - were extremely proud of ourselves.  i've been back to starved rock since then and they'd changed a lot of things - like put in a boardwalk for a lot of trails (because of erosion problems).  i wasn't able to figure out where we'd hiked before, waaaaay back when, but you know how everything seems smaller or at least different with more experienced (a.k.a. *older*) eyes.  i wouldn't say i was disappointed, but it was very different from how i'd remembered it.

so.  instead of walking my usual walk today, i drove over to the moraine hills state park and hiked around there.  it was decent.  and my desire to see some new things was satisfied.  can't say that it's my favorite, but at least i'm now on the look for one.  :)

posted by: juuitsu at November 27, 2006 01:54 | link | comments (3) |

so, i think i finally caught up on my sleep, or life, or whatever it was that i left behind this past week.  i slept *really* well in Hawaii, and that's kind of unusual for me - sleeping well anywhere (and right away) that's new.  unfamiliar beds and places usually make me wake up a lot in the middle of the night.  i seem to have switched that around, because i'm having the worst trouble sleeping at home now.  maybe that's just what they so fondly refer to as "jet lag." 

i had a list of some of the things i was going to write about here, but i was thwarted by the following  - 1.) motime was down the other day right in the middle of the time i felt most write-y, and 2.) i have no idea where that list has got to.  i thought it was still in my bag - a "safe" place (my grandmother was reknowned for her ability to put things in 'safe' places - 'safe' meaning 'unlikely to ever be seen again by our generation') - but i appear to be mistaken.  that, or it *is* in my bag and it's just in that little pocket of other-dimensionally lostness that i can never seem to find when it's convenient.  this is the same thing that happened to my checks when i first moved out here.  i swear i looked in the drawer where i eventually found them (months later) several times and they were NOT there.  things i'm looking for appear at their *own* whim and cannot be trusted to be there when *i* want them.  :)

so!  since i have no list, i'm just going to babble - hopefully not too incoherently - about things. 

i didn't really have an agenda for the hawaii trip - except to just *do* it already and get the heck out of this state.  i hadn't taken a vacation where i actually went anywhere for at least a year - that ends up feeling like a really long time when you throw "insanely busy at work all summer long" into the mix.  i was so ready for one back in august, and then the foot thing held me up another few months.  so, actually *getting* to go was really one of the nicest things about it (going somewhere warm and lovely where i didn't have any responsibilities for a week wasn't bad either).  i think what helped the most was that it was different enough from being here (and from my usual routine) to remind me that i have the power to change up my routine or devise a new one entirely.  i just hope i can hold onto that feeling long enough to do something about/with it.

some places my feet have been: in the ocean and, on a lava flow.  aaaand, it wasn't half bad being here late one afternoon. in fact, i had to call oberon to tell him just how not bad it was.

the one thing i did want to do was walk around volcano (the park on the big island) more...you could spend a whole week just doing that.  meh, *i* could spend a whole week doing that.  but i only had the morning/afternoon before my flight to do it.  my aunties and uncle (pretty much everyone who's older than you and who is acquainted with you through your parents is your 'aunty' or 'uncle' in hawaii.  i'm not sure if that's hawaiian convention or japanese convention or what, but that's how it is) go hiking there most sundays anyway.  *their* idea of hiking and *my* idea of hiking are somewhat different, though.  this should not come as a suprise to anyone.  i can barely get my folks out of the house to walk the dog.  it takes supreme EFFORT.  the aunties and uncle are used to going maybe a mile?  their normal route was closed to them, however, because of a yellow-jacket infestation.  so we went another way.  and it was longer.  and they huffed and puffed a bit.  but it was fantastic.  i'd have been happy to hike all day, but eventually we headed back to the car and our picnic lunch (also not bad).  aunty j kept trying to talk me into an easy hike because my knee was bothering me, but i wasn't hearing any of it.  no no no!  i only have a few hours left, let me abuse myself some more!  earlier in the week i'd hiked around Hilo a bit.  that probably ended up being 10 miles, but as it was through town, it felt more like a really long walk than a hike or a trek.  maybe i'm being unnecessarily specific. :)

the one thing i had done prior to leaving for the islands was to print out a list of geocaches in the area where i was going to be staying.  i showed it to my aunty j and she planned a day trip around a bunch of them...so i got to see a number of things/places that i might not otherwise have visited as a result.  i didn't find any of the caches - aunty j found the only one that day out at the former black sand beach (keauu, i think is what it was called).  one of them was on this crazy hike along an overgrown path that led back into the jungle up by a waterfall and in and among all of these pools of water.  it was beautiful back there, and i ran into someone swimming in one of the pools.  i did some rock scrambling and climbing trying to discover where the cache might be, but didn't see it.  turned back feeling satisfied anyway, because it had been all adventure-y.  the worst part was that many of them were hidden in really moist bug-y areas - like not places you'd necessarily want to be rummaging around in with your bare hands, in shorts and a t-shirt.  yeah.  so on my second day in hawaii i already had 36 mosquito bites.  they're all gone now, thankfully. 

aunty j's a masterful sushi maker.  so i had a lot of sushi, too.  when i got home, mom and dad wanted to take me out to lunch - mom suggested we get japanese food.  i had to stop her.  canna eat more sushi at the moment.  what i *really* wanted was a nice green salad.  :)  you know, or a cheeseburger.  i'm flexible.  one of the sushi meals was with aunty j's family, and they were all watching to see if i'd eat the sashimi (raw fish).  as long as it's not salmon (which will keeeeel me), i'm all for it.  my bachan (grandma - obaasan is japanese for grandmother, and 'chan' is a familiar/friendly/loving way of referring to someone, so she was o'bachan for long, and bachan for short) was feeding us sashimi when we were tiny, and i loved it even then.  yeah.  i was the crazy kid who wouldn't eat pizza but *would* eat raw fish.  go figure.

i have a lot more pictures.  i used up all of my alotted space on flickr for this month already (damn AND blast), so i can't put them up there just yet, but i did put them all on photobucket, so if you're interested in seeing more, email me, and i'll get you a login/password.  that, or, using only your wicked intelligence and the naming conventions for the photos that i *did* link to here, you can probably figure out how to see the rest.  up to you. :)

posted by: juuitsu at November 26, 2006 17:22 | link | comments (2) |

hey y'all.
i was in hawaii.
(finally!)
it was so fantastic
and yet
it is good to be back.
because
i have found some enthusiasm
and i realized
that cheese and crackers
is really the breakfast
(lunch and dinner)
of champions
(namely, me)
and raspberries
are delicious
and s. at work gives great hugs
and i don't have to keep doing
things i don't want to do
and the secrets on post secret this week
are really really good
and this song?
i can't get it out of my head
and it's delicious, too.

posted by: juuitsu at November 22, 2006 01:03 | link | comments (5) |

"I guess there does come a time in everybody's childhood when somebody does kill it.  Every kid has his childhood die at some point. Maybe your childhood is already dead as you are reading this or maybe we're going to kill it, or maybe it's still alive and going to live on for a couple more years - but eventually it has to go to stiff city.  I think that's what a Pigman really does even if he doesn't mean to.  If you are a kid and somebody has already killed your childhood then you know what I'm talking about.  A Pigman is anybody who comes into your life and causes a voice inside of you to say, 'Okay buster, the jig's up.  There's no more Santa Claus.  There's no more Easter Rabbit.  There's no more blaming Mommy or Daddy or your teachers or your brothers or your sisters or your friends, there's only you!'  And the day your childhood dies is probably the first day you really know what guilt is.  When your childhood dies it's so painful you figure you must have done something absolutely dreadful to be left hurting so badly inside.  You want to lock yourself in your room and hide in your closet and scream..."  (p. 5)  Pigman's Legacy, Paul Zindel

posted by: juuitsu at November 10, 2006 14:03 | link | comments (6) |

i never had a girl-y bigwheel.  i realized this as i was walking past some houses today where the kids (who are all off school for parent-teacher conferences) had left their play stuff overturned in the yard.  there was an obvious "boy" bigwheel with lasers and whatnot mounted on the steering apparatus, and a "girl" bigwheel with...i don't know what it was.  a flower pot?  a cell phone holder?  a baby carrier?  and little sparkly streamers coming off the grips.  now, i don't knock sparkly stuff either, but MY bigwheel was black and yellow and purple.  we got it because there was nothing better than the color purple when i was a kid.  i loved my bigwheel.  i must have gotten it when it was cold out, because i remember riding it around and around and around in the basement.  this was also before my parents had much stuff - so there was actually room to ride around in the basement.  my bigwheel was my trusty steed...because we couldn't afford anything like a pony.  so i had to use my imagination.  

this was true of many things.

i also wasn't allowed to grow my hair out.  not that one can stop it from growing at all, but my mom was always digging out her hair-cutting manual and her shears and sitting me down and snip snipping away until i had these horrendous bowl cuts.  ugh.  so i didn't get to have long hair for years.  it's hard being a princess - even a warrior princess - without long flowing hair.  let me tell you.  anne of green gables was right - some things you just CAN'T imagine away.  i tried, though.  i wore a towel on my head and pretended that was my hair.  if i picked one of the beach towels, it went all the way down to my heels.  i was GAWGEOUS.  my grandfather called me mohammed.  i'm sure he meant nothing by that.  just wait.  he gets his comeuppance.

since i didn't have any hair of my own, i endeavored to play with other people's hair.  and since my grandparents had the care of me for much of my early life, that person usually was my grandfather.  he had terrible arthritis and was mostly confined to sitting for much of the day.  grandma was busy doing useful things around the house.  she was the one who gave me a set of her curlers to use on her husband.  looking back, they had a rather contentious relationship -  they'd been married longer than dirt has been around and got on each other's last nerves regularly (apparently they'd plenty of penultimate nerves stored up).  both of them were hard of hearing so conversations would go something like this, "Peg!  ffnkndsfhjhg!"  "WHAT??!"  "I SAID AJSDHKJHLTUHULJH!"  "I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING!"  while they were often cross with each other, they were never cross with me. 

anyway, i'm sure the curlers were to pay grandpa back for all the paper airplane battles we waged in the livingroom.  i'd carefully roll up grandpa's hair in the curlers - also a challenge, because his was pretty short, too.  but he had a bit of a combover, so that helped.  he'd call me pierre and i'd talk to him in what i thought was an absolutely fantastic spot-on sophisticated french accent.  which, if you know anything about me, is a blatant lie.  and then i'd go put my towel on and we'd both have Really Fabulous Hair.  i got my friend Kim doing it, too, and her friend Kathy.  so, soon, there were three of us with long fabulous towel hair.  thus began my life as an instigator.  :)

as a kid i HATED playing house.  and that's all most of my little girl friends wanted to do.  they'd be all, "ok, let's pretend that you're the mom, and i'm the baby and i'm sick..."  and i'd be all, *heave* *vomit* "i don't think so."  and i'd take my brother outside with me and we'd rake up a big pile of leaves, jump in them a bunch of times, pile them up again and pretend we were on a raft in a raging river and he'd steer us to safety with the rake, while i looked out the front and watched for snags and rapids.  it's weird to think of that now.  kids can be amazingly adaptable and they're into the "let's pretend" stuff...i think if i said anything like that to an adult they'd think i was nuts.  i'm not even sure i know how to do it anymore.

posted by: juuitsu at November 10, 2006 13:55 | link | comments (1) |

"Owen did not kiss like a freshman.  He kissed firmly, seriously.  He kissed like someone who has been around a long, long time and who has waited patiently for this very moment.  I suddenly understood how some things only improve with time, how nothing is lost in the passing.  Any kiss I shared with Elton paled in comparison to this.  There was an entire century of experience and emotion behind this one."

"This was it.  The big romantic moment of my life had come, and my partner was a 116-year-old dead fourteen-year-old freshman.  But hey, don't knock it until you've tried it.  That's my motto."

(pp. 261-262) Devilish, by Maureen Johnson

posted by: juuitsu at November 08, 2006 15:13 | link | comments (2) |

so i woke up at 5 this morning, when my neighbor started his car in the alley and caused lots of fumes to come in my window (open slightly, as it's damn hot in here at the moment).  grr.  closed the window and tried to get back to sleep for a loooong time.  did that thing where you drift in and out and everything about you feels soooo tired and soooo stretched out.  you can't believe that your limbs are your own, and you're not quite sure where you are, but it's not scary, it's just weird.  finally slept.  dreamt this:

i'm at lora's house.  i only know this because it's a dream and there's lora and *this* is her house.  i can't really tell what it looks like, as it's dark and we're all trying to sleep.  it's also really uncomfortable with all three of us in the bed - lars and lora and me - and we're all awake because it's way too hot and it's late enough in the night that it's almost morning.  lars falls out of the bed and just goes to sleep on the floor.  lora completely disappears between one moment of my consciousness and the next and it becomes *known* to me that she's sleeping in her own room and has been all night (funny how that gets rationalized).

i wake up completely and decide that i have to pee (this should come as no surprise to any of you).  as soon as i decide this, i realize that lars has awakened and is in the bathroom that's next to our room.  dammit.  and then i remember that there's another smaller bathroom attached to lora's room, so i decide to use that instead. 

it's one of those bathrooms that has two doors - one that leads into lora's bedroom, and one that leads out into the hall.  there's also an additional panel in lora's closet.  i close them all.  just as i close the one that leads into lora's room, i notice that she's sitting up in bed, with what looks like a bedpan (shiny metal bedpan) held up at her chin.  our eyes kind of meet over the bedpan, and i realize that i don't want to know what she's doing and close the door on whatever she says to me.  the toilet is weird when i sit down to use it.  i can't tell what about it is off, but something.  i'm still tired and i still have to go, so i stop thinking about it and just pee.  and end up peeing all over the floor.  which is when i start to notice a few things.  the ground under my feet is crunchy - because someone has dug down into it all around the sink and behind the toilet and there is a big gaping hole there and lots of hole debris on the floor (dirt, mud, gravel, clay, etc.).  and lora was probably brushing her teeth...though why she'd choose to spit in the bedpan, i dunno. 

there's a knock at the door then.  "make sure you use the mumblemumblemumble!  the plumbing's gone."  yeah, i'd say, gone as in left the continent on holiday...  i clear my throat and call back, "yeah, well, it's a bit late for that...i'm going to need some paper towels..."  lora comes in and turns on the light.  shit, why did i not think of turning on the light?  probably because no other bathrooms i've seen in people's houses have ever had large excavations going on inside of them.  decidedly outside my experience.  cleanup is easy, however, because the ground (and now the whole bathroom floor appears to be ground, which explains the pleasant crunchiness under my feet), just soaks it up.  when i look down at the ground, i'm pleased to note that i'm wearing my sneakers (sneak sneak sneak), because that means i haven't just walked in my own pee.  thank goodness.

as if there aren't enough of us in this little bathroom to witness my embarrassing moment, lora's dog comes bounding in at that moment.  he's some kind of rottweiler mix.  she calls him "my darling."  he also had a name, but i can't remember what it was.  my darling is really happy to see us.  he leaps up all over me and plants muddy feet on my shoulders.  when his attention turns to lora, i examine the hole underneath the sink.  there's an enormous purple worm crawling toward me.  it's about the size of a garter snake (by which i mean, maybe an inch in circumference and about a foot in length).  unlike most worms, it *sees* me, and then goes into attack mode.  ACK!  i jump back and poke at it with the end of lora's plunger.  i scream, "holy SHIT, you've got a star-pointed worm!"  the end of the worm - the part that's attacking me, is pointed and glowy - thus, star-pointed (but not shaped like a star).  the rest of the worm is purple (as i've mentioned) fringed with a wreath of tentacles at each segment.  it is horrible.  i manage to push the star-pointed worm into the hole.  that's when lora's dog, my darling, jumps in after it and gets his head caught between two roots.  we stand there horrified as he struggles and finally frees himself and jumps up back to us. 

i give lora a stern look and say something about how she should watch out for her dog.  excavated bathrooms are no places for pets to play. 

i wake up.

after all of that?  i don't really feel all that rested.  :)

posted by: juuitsu at November 08, 2006 13:41 | link | comments (2) |

i think i'm really gonna like this book...

"And then, Cassie screamed, a particularly high-pitched, nerve-jangling scream.  Which made me scream.  Screams are catchy.  I followed Cassie's gaze to a tiny black-veiled head in the doorway."

"'I see PANTIES!' it shrieked.  'I see blue panties!'"

"Cassie clapped her legs tightly together.  The head snapped out of sight.

"'God,' she wheezed.  'Why does she do that?'"

"Sister Rose Marie would pop her head into classrooms at random, examine the horizon, and look for people sitting in a manner that exposed underwear.  This shock attack was supposed to make us more ladylike.  It just made us paranoid."  (pp. 29-30) Devilish, by Maureen Johnson

posted by: juuitsu at November 08, 2006 02:08 | link | comments |

k.  so i'm gonna stop flipping out now.  he didn't get abducted by aliens.  (and there was much rejoicing!)

got to work 15 minutes early yesterday and today, which meant i had more time for lunch.  this is both fascinating and annoying.  i'd actually just like to take the breaks that i never get to take and combine them with my lunch (big no no) and take an hour, but that's not possible.  still.  45 minutes at lunch means i can take a nice looooong walk instead of an itsy bitsy one.  totally got myself turned around, tho.  that was funny.  i'm looking at the road i'm walking along and thinking, "damn there's a lot of traffic."  *ZOOM ZOOM*  "DAMN!"  and naturally, it's because it was the big busy road and not the lazy neighborhood one i thought i was on.  got back on time anyway. 

i noticed that i'm on the schedule through december now.  for awhile, big red only had me on until the week of my vacation...and i thought, oh, this bodes ill.  because *certain* people disappeared off the schedule after they went on vacation.  but now i know i'm safe at least until x-mess.  :)  that's a joke, son.

and...now i'm going to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich because that is what sounds good to me.

incidentally, the democratic candidate, Melissa Bean, who is running for reelection in my district has been calling me almost constantly.  and by constantly, i'm talking at least 2 messages a day for the past 3 weeks.  there were FOUR today.  i thought that if you were on the do not call lists that made you safe from crap like this...now, she may be a fantastic representative, but i'm so annoyed by all of the calls, that i sure don't have a good opinion of her.  LET ME BE! 

posted by: juuitsu at November 08, 2006 01:14 | link | comments (6) |

the numa numa video always makes me smile.  he's so ebullient.  :)

i'm still not so ebullient.

i mentioned that i'd gone geocaching by myself a couple weekends ago to another geocaching enthusiast at work, and she was rather...concerned (in a motherly sort of way, i guess) that i'd gone alone.  i understand where it's coming from, but it also frustrates me at the same time when people assume that doing stuff by yourself is Not Safe.  what are all of the solitary people of the world to DO if no one is around to do things with them?  stay at home?  if i waited for other people to get involved in all the stuff i want to do, i'd be wasting my life away.  people are *not* reliable, amenable, or persuadable.  i've been at them my whole life.  they don't like to play.  i try not to get cranky about it, because i'm not always wild about other people's agendas either.

monkeybaby and her man had me over for dinner yesterday.  i almost didn't go.  i got off from work and i was tired and sad and thought i probably wanted to be alone.  except, as i was driving home, i realized that i'd get home and have plenty of time alone with me to be tired and sad and that maybe that's not the best cure for it.  so i said i'd come.  and then i went to starbucks on the square and wrote a letter to L&TJM and had a hot chocolate to perk me up.  and that, all of it, was exactly perfect.  it didn't *fix* everything, but i definitely felt better.  plus?  monkeybaby made spaghetti and meatballs.  yeah.  and i've been craving that for awhile now.  i should mention that i *also* fixed spaghetti and meatballs on saturday night, so i'm going to be eating that for lunch for the next couple of days.  it is fantastic, and i am much pleased.  forgot my lunch today (doh!) so i had a salad from panera - also quite good.

monkeybaby's mom called while i was over and she told monkeybaby that she thinks i need a boyfriend.  what the heck is *that* supposed to mean?  sheesh.  why is EVERYONE trying to mother me?  do i look like i need it?  and that made me sad, too, because i'm reeeeal uneasy right now.  i thought i was doing something about that...you know, in that i like this guy and stuff and things...and i'm kind of confused about what's going on with that.  and possibly inventing lots of things in my head that have little or no bearing on the real world.  i have no idea.  and i hate worrying.  so i'm trying not to, and failing miserably...because what if?  ugh.  so i talked to JM about some of my concerns, because he's a nice impartial party to the whole mess (which exists, thus far, only in my head), and had some of those concerns validated.  and was told i deserve happiness (thanks, man, let's hope i can get that through my head).  after my comment about my bad taste in men - the first broke my heart, the second my knee, the third my foot...i'm running out of parts AND patience -  JM said a wise and yet uneasy thing.  he said that you often meet someone, but move on with someone else.  yeah.  it is so easy to say that (and do that) when you've got someone exactly the type of wonderful you want/need waiting in the wings, JM.  as YOU do.  otherwise you pine for what you haven't got - either because it's not being given to you, or because it doesn't exist in that particular person.

not to totally invalidate everything i've just written, but welcome to that time of the month, where juuitsu takes leave of all her good sense and prepares to fuck things up and good.

to sum up:  i miss the boy, but there's not much i can do about that, without admitting to missing him and being needy and possibly alienating him because of it.  fucking hell.  *stomps off*

posted by: juuitsu at November 07, 2006 03:37 | link | comments (12) |

so i'm eating breyer's cookies and cream ice cream and calling it lunch, because somehow in the confusion of today there was no time for lunch.  this is the first sunday i've worked, and we're only open between noon and 4.  i came in a bit early, at 11:30, to get myself organized.  it's a good thing.  because the first person to enter the building didn't notice that the door didn't shut behind her.  and when i pushed it, it got wedged and wouldn't open OR shut.  so i had to call our maintenance guy for suggestions.  he said get the allen wrench and throw my back into it.  that worked.  go maintenance guy.  problem one solved.  problem two.  ah, the computers aren't working again!  this is like perpetual.  people even call the desk now and ask if our computers are actually functioning TOday.  so, there were still about 10 minutes before we opened and i'm on the phone with our IT guy and he's saying he's going to mess with them remotely.  unbelievably, everything is up and running normally within 5 minutes of our opening.  i'm, frankly, amazed.  the last time, it took a good 2 hours to get the computers playing nicely again.  ok.  doesn't put me ahead any.  i used my time to make duct tape wallets - measuring out how much tape i'd need for each one, and writing up the instructions.  the ones i found are decent, but the pictures that go with them are horrible.  i'm wondering if i should draw my own...probably.  now i have two duct tape wallets.  if you're interested in being the owner of a BRAND NEW NEVER BEFORE USED DUCT TAPE WALLET, send me a message and i'll do a drawing.  :)

i hate having to deal with problems first thing.  although, it's much better when i can either figure them out on my own, or have someone *right there* to figure them out with me.  what put me over the top this morning was the woman who came in first who kept wondering aloud if there was something that the people who locked up the night before didn't do.  at that point i didn't fucking care.  and she KEPT talking about it like it was the most important thing.  i finally said, "Hey, it doesn't matter.  When you got here, the doors were fine, right?  Ok.  So, it's just that it didn't close properly after you and then got stuck when I tried to get in."  i think i managed not to be a raging bitch about it.  i really wanted to tell her to just shut the hell up.

yay.  my first totally in charge of everything day! 

posted by: juuitsu at November 05, 2006 22:56 | link | comments |

just saw someone's recently uploaded photo...it says, "FUCK THIS."  i heartily agree.  whatever this is, it needs fucking.  um.  that sounded much better in my head.

moving on...

i was driving to work on Friday and saw this little boy on the sidewalk frantically waving something around.  as i got closer, i realized it was a condom - a WATER filled condom.  and he was waving it at every car that went by.  and then i guess he got scared, because i saw him running, as if pursued by demons, back into his house.  huh, i thought.  i'm still at huh.

while walking around in the 'hood by the library (also on Friday) i stopped to read some of the chalk grafitti the kids have been drawing on the path.  most of it was just pre-able-to-write gibberish, but someone had very clearly and methodically chalked out, "TARA IS STUPID."  i bet she is.  wench.

posted by: juuitsu at November 05, 2006 14:33 | link | comments |

"'Well, now that we have seen each other,' said the Unicorn, 'If you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you.'"
~Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

posted by: juuitsu at November 05, 2006 05:26 | link | comments |

life as a phoenix must be exhausting.  you get to a certain point and then you explode into flames and get reborn again from the ashes.  it comes when it comes and you can't do anything about it.  but, i bet after the first 20 times or so, you get really tired, like existentially exhausted, when you find yourself immolated once again.  you're this little pile of ashes and you're thinking, "ah, nuts.  not again.  haven't i done enough?  what am i going to do *this* time around?  i just keep cooking myself.  it's not like i'm making any kind of progress here.  except growing more and more weary of it all."  does the phoenix ever just want to give it up and say, "i'm not going to try anymore."  and then?  does it die?  can you ever really kill your hope?

***

i kinda wish that when people have decided things in their heads that they would tell me what those things are (at least the ones that affect me), because then i could, you know, figure out how that all fits/works with what's going on in MY head.  and i wouldn't feel so wrong about stuff.  or maybe i just need lots of assurances/reassurances.  i dunno.  other things i hear are not so reassuring.  and i get all sensitive and needy and hate myself for being/feeling that way.  and restless.  god, so restless, because i can't just sit STILL with any of it.  i want to run and run and run and run and run...and there's no outlet for it. 

so i'm sitting quietly on the couch, trying not to twitch.  crocheting like some kind of madame defarge...my secrets into these granny squares.

i *watched* Capote while crocheting.  it's not exactly an upper.  and his voice was annoying.  and...he lied a lot to get what he wanted.  and i'm not sure what i think.  i was whelmed, but not over or under.  it wanted to be  moving, but i wasn't moved.  possibly because i've got a lot on my mind.

i have these periods where i go through and consider and discard about 50 different ideas in as many days and worry that i've said too much about any one of them to anybody...because i don't want to *be* that chick who never gets anything done...but it's sort of a trying them on for size process.  they don't always fit the next day's mental state.  so much is under consideration.  i almost want to get lost in some remote and far away place so that my stupid *problems* just go away in the bitch slap wake of the ULTIMATE PERSPECTIVE VORTEX.  i can't remember what it's actually called (please refer to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series and let me know).  because right now it's all ME ME ME ME.  and i'm making myself miserable.  and then i think, well, if i just figured out ONE of these things, i'd be in an ok place.  but people, things, stuff, just don't sit still and let you do that.  everything's in perpetual motion and things don't stay where you leave/put them.  and when you start thinking about things?  your brain convinces you that everything is tied up in everything else.  contingencies abound.

ok.  so, breathe breathe breathe.  let's not get in a panic now.  the world is not crashing down around me, even if it feels that way.  changing just one thing should help.  choosing that one thing may be more difficult, but it *should* be possible.

it's exhausting to think about how i will reinvent myself this time around.

posted by: juuitsu at November 05, 2006 01:35 | link | comments (4) |

i spent an hour laying there because i didn't know if i should stay or if i should go.  the argument in my head went something like this (1st voice), "you don't have to stay here.  no one is keeping you here."  and the counterargument (2nd voice)?  "dude, no one is making you go out either.  it's goddamn cold out.  it's nearly 10.  hello, windburn.  listen, you idiot, the wind is HOWLING outside right now.  don't do it."  1st voice, "shit, you're right.  i guess we can't walk this one off.  ok.  how about we just curl up and feel utterly miserable."  2nd voice, "do we get to stay warm?"  1st voice, "of course."  2nd voice, "ok then.  bring it on."

posted by: juuitsu at November 04, 2006 13:16 | link | comments |

dreams

i'm stuck in the jewel hilton highrise again.  it starts out as just the jewel, and then i remember - there's all of these other floors, like a department store, and it culminates in a hilton.  i'm trying to get to the aisle where they have all of the crayolas, and the art supplies, but i keep getting thwarted.  first i run into leslie, who is in no way now a part of my life.  i knew her in 7th grade.  she's some kind of wandering courtesy officer person - you know, someone like a greeter, but paid to walk around the store and make your shopping experience more pleasant.  she doesn't have to do anything else, like stock shelves or anything.  she just walks around looking pretty.  i literally run right into her.  her eyes get all glare-y like she's going to yell at me, but then she remembers who she is supposed to be, and that she's working.  and she and the other courtesy officer she's palling around with just flash me big fake smiles and go on their way.  leslie doesn't recognize me at all.  i watch her leave and part of me wants to make her remember just to see if it does anything different to her face, if i can reach past her mask.  the other part - i'd say 84% - doesn't care at all.

i still can't get to the damn crayolas.  there's a guy dressed up in a bunny suit, who is making the rounds as well.  practically everyone's got some kind of costume on - it's halloween, and all of the last minute shoppers are making their last minute purchases, so their last minute children can go out and trick or treat at the very last minute.  i want to talk to the bunny guy, make him break out of character, so i go up to him and give him a big hug.  he laughs and waves at me.  he has body guards.  or guides.  i guess it's either dangerous to be dressed up like a bunny, or it's hard to see. 

someone's wearing this fantastic red-haired wig.  i need me one of those.  i can't find the halloween aisle either.

it's late.

i find myself upstairs in the hilton lobby.  they have it all darkened and the seats are like the stadium, yet comfortably plush, seats that you'd find in a movie theater.  there's no movie or anything else being projected, though.  there are a few people in there with me.  and then some tall, freaky guy comes and stands just behind me.  lurking.  i figure it's time to leave anyway, so i get up and make my way out of the hilton, glancing back to see if the guy is following me.  he's not.  he *is*, however, inspecting my seat and the area around it.  which makes me think i've lost something.  like my wallet.  i go through all of my pockets and i've got everything i can remember bringing with me.  so i shrug and leave (again).

the damn jewel is closed.  and all of the lights are off between the hilton and the ground level, so i have to go down all of these flights of stairs in the dark.  it's more annoying than anything.  i think about the poor design of this building.  why the hell did they put a hotel on the top floor?  is there some other way to bypass all of the creepy darkness after the jewel closes and get to the ground floor in comfort?  surely people come and go all night from the hilton.  or, maybe they don't.  i worry about setting off security alarms as i leave.  not sure which doors i should be leaving by.  decide i don't care.  don't actually see or experience myself leaving, but suddenly it's later and i'm outside.

i find myself wandering through this concrete maze of streets and intersections.  i have no idea how to get home.  come to think of it, i don't even know what home looks like.

i run into some people who are walking just ahead of me.  i hear a voice as we, as a group, pass by this woman.  she's some kind of vampire.  her voice is creepy.  it becomes obvious to me that i'm the ONLY one who can hear it.  that's never good.  i can't remember what she says to me, but it's not good either.  no.

i disappear.  i'm no longer me.  i'm now some guy in the group.  and there's this girl.  and she's strung out on something, but something about her...  most of the people around me are strung out on something.  we get to a crosswalk and we all wait for the light to change...it takes forever.  everyone is being so stupid that it doesn't matter how long we wait.

finally, some people run across the road.  the girl and i are going in the same direction.  or, i decide i'm going with her because i don't have a direction.  she takes me home.  her place is awful.  it smells awful.  there are at least three half-naked men strewn around like garbage.  they're asleep or stoned or fucked up.  i can't tell if the smell is them or if it's something else.  doesn't matter shortly.  she starts kissing me.  but i want to talk to her.  and she falls asleep.  and some of the half-naked men tell me to shut up.  so i wake her up and ask her if she wants me to leave.  and she just looks at me, her eyes are all glassy and unfocused.  she's smiling.  it's too weird, so i kiss her some more.  and then i get out of there. 

wake up.

posted by: juuitsu at November 03, 2006 13:53 | link | comments (2) |

From the paper journal
3/7/2004

I wrote about my odd breakdown on Friday in my online journal - my eyes only.  I was having my way with myself and thinking about mf at the same time, because it's erotic to think about someone else's hands touching you.  And it all broke down at that point - all of the porn, all of the celebrities, all of his obsessions suddenly stood around me saying, "This will never do.  He will never love you, because he loves perfection and he loves US."  And I cried, but I said, "You're wrong about him!  He just doesn't know what love is!  If he'd give me a chance, I could show him!"  They laughed at me.  They scoffed.  They tossed their shiny hair.  "There is nothing more beautiful than we are...nothing you have is good enough...not even your very essence.  Nothing is strong enough to overcome us."  And then I was coming, but crying...felt good, but terrible...like my soul was shriveling up inside of me.  I think I saw my fantasy die.  It got killed by chilly logic and beautiful celebs.  No one should be able to do that.  It's cruel and unusual punishment, and it ruined a perfectly good morning.

7/19/2004

It was a relatively good day despite the underlying feeling of "I just can't win."  I did what I could and then beyond that, well, I just stopped and felt satisfied.  And it was ok.  I had a good conversation with Peloquin.  It feels like I've known him forever, and I pretty much have...and there's so much about me that he just understands...and moreover, accepts.  I don't have to be constantly on the defensive about who I am.

2/6/2005

God.  It's been forever.  Strangest thing, though - tonight I feel more real than I have in months.  I don't know what's done it either.  Earlier today I was entertianing myself with this idea: that I don't care about anything.  That's not even it, though.  The real feeling is more a hollowness inside.  Like I took a deep breath and waited for something to fill me.  And then it didn't come.  Nothing came and there was only me to fill me up and make me real.  Maybe it's just coming to that understanding that's done it.

Some of this hollowness and emptiness is being lonely.  I'm in this place and I moved, but it's like I moved my body and my stuff and left my mind somewhere else.  And it doesn't want to follow me.  My heart, my sense of home are all tied up in knots and they didn't seem to be here with me until this afternoon.  And then, a few hours ago, I don't know what happened, but I felt a lot more like me again.  And it was really good.

Lacking my own personal agenda, I suppose that it's natural to feel like I'm drifting a bit and can't find anything purposeful to latch onto.  It's a little like running away from myself.  And these past few weeks I have been trying to be so busy that I can't think of anything else.  It's a way of not dealing with what's wrong.  Or it's me trying to fix the emptiness by filling it up - in any way I can.

5/5/2005

Let's assume for now that I'm going to be writing something here about mf.  And shall we further assume that it will be something sad, devastating, and/or otherwise frustrating.  And let's go on to assume that having done that I now feel much better.  Whew!  Thank goodnes.  And I do.  I'm way too tired to bitch and moan right now  And I feel like it's already been said.  Any more verbal reinforcement and I am going to be the one looking like an ass - for putting up with all of the crap, for jumping through the hoops.  The decathecting makes irregular progress.

I saw this woman's blog the other day, and she's keeping a running tally of her sexless days.  She's at 189 and counting.  And I guess she thinks that's sad.  I'm so not impressed.  Take your cheese whiz self-pity and suck it up, baby.  You got nothing.  I got nothing. 0*0 is still 0.

1/16/2006

Because he called.  He did.  And he said, "Let's do it."  And we did.  He makes me smile all secret and goofy and wide out in public.  Just the thinking of him.  And I'm so wrapped up in those smiles I forget how visible they are to the rest of the world.  So don't be freaked out by the crazy grinning lass, ok?

We played catch with my wee tentacled thing, and then he attacked me with an exercise ball, which turned into a wrestling match that went on for an hour or more and left us both panting and bruised.  I have not all out attacked someone in a long time.  It's very satisfying.  And exhausting.  Had some ramen, attacked each other again.  More panting.  He stayed till 10:30 and had to work the next day.  I didn't want him to go.  I don't think he wanted to go either.  And it was easy.  Easy to feel comfortable with him.

3/26/2006

I feel vicious.  Like spring clean my house vicious.  And I don't just mean the apartment.  Everything.
***
Sometimes I feel like Galadriel.  I want to make grand statements like, "I shall diminish and go into the East."  Because if I can't have what I think I want, is it better to just stop wanting and let it go?  And how does one accomplish this gracefully?  One reads up on Buddhism, I guess.
***
Haven't I given him enough psychic real estate?
***
highsmileage says it's all about geography and gravity with him.  People who (space n' time) exert a pull on him because of their proximity and density.  I must be very dense...:)
***
You don't even know that this is what you want.  That is what the conflict of the kiss is about.  But I *feel* so lonely.   :(   We are, all of us, always alone.  Trapped in our own minds.  We cannot, or at least have not, found a way to break down those barriers.  Can you imagine, though? That intimacy?  And you'd just be able to show someone everything you wanted them to see.  "Here, take a look...Do you get it now?"   A mind meld would be completely lovely.  Or terrible.

4/30/2006

God.  What next?  I'm waiting for more to come along.  All week I feel like I've been holding my breath.  It's good that I didn't let those little things bug me, because the big thing really blew me away.  Stunned.  Numb.  They fired monkeybaby at work on Thursday.  Gone.  No more.  And I can't believe it.  I can't believe they did it.  That they got away with it.  Can't imagine things being normal again.  I've got a really bad taste in my mouth from the whole experience.

posted by: juuitsu at November 03, 2006 03:42 | link | comments |

you know the end of summer has come when the sandal tan gradually fades from the tops of your feet , when the skin under your watch band matches the rest of you, and the thought of flouncy frilly kicky skirts makes you shudder to think of the frosty air climbing up your thighs.

posted by: juuitsu at November 03, 2006 03:18 | link | comments |

i am so restlessly restless.  and yet, there's nothing that seems appealing right now.  there's lots of stuff i could do and lots of stuff i *should* do, but i'm not inclined.  pre-winter funk?

this week all of my thoughts have made their appearances on postcards and i have not bothered to transcribe them anywhere else, as the doing over of the writing of said thoughts seemed unnecessary.  but then i find myself curiously dry, writingwise and thoughtwise.  i poured them into flat paper vessels and watched them fall into the dark abyss of the mailbox at the top of the stairs.  hello mailbox, goodbye thoughts.

this is november...nanowrimo month.  monkeybaby mentioned that she's going to do it.  i've tried twice in the past and then lapsed midmonth into a pressured silence.  i think the problem is that my stories don't have anywhere to go and take their time getting there.  i'm ok with ideas, full of ideas, but...fitting them into some kind of framework that has a beginning, middle, and end?  not so good at that.  nope.  still, i think if the point is quantity of writing - i.e. proving to yourself that you have the words to fill a novel - i've already done it.  choosing and stringing together the words that other people want to read...may be a bit different.

fairy stories from work...

juuitsu was sitting at the reference desk, minding her own business, when jsl came out to chat.  he and the goddess got on the subject of "blogging," which is one of juuitsu's favorite topics, but she's been disinclined to mention it at work this past month, what with the outing of her own blog.  jsl asked if juuitsu was still writing novels instead of posts, and she took her time in answering.  "yes and no."  he said he hadn' t been back since the first time and juuitsu laughed, because if he *had* been back, he'd know.  but he hadn't and didn't.  he's probably the one work person with whom she wouldn't mind sharing what she's written.  it's odd having people inside her head, finding out suddenly that they know things that she's only ever discussed in html, and agreeing with her, expanding on her ideas...in person.  it spooks her a little bit every time it happens.  not in a bad way.  just unexpected.  she never thought people would find her thoughts remotely interesting.  although, one always hopes.  ;)  juuitsu sighed and said, "i...actually...i'm not writing there anymore.  it got uncomfortable.  too many people from work knew about it.  it came up in my review, and that was just...a discomfitting collision of worlds." 

it's made her oddly quieter in other ways, too.  she doesn't like to think of it as losing her voice, but sometimes it feels that way.  is she overreacting?  all that was said was, "it has come to our attention that you have a blog.  we hope you're being professional about it."  right.  except it was never intended to *be* a professional blog, never intended to be linked with real names of real people - even the author wanted to remain in some sense anonymous.  it's just a collection of stuff that floats around in her brain.  and as such, is PERSONAL and not to be regulated or bound by work.  she's instigating a strict separation between worklife and personallife.  BUT.  as life as she knows it is more than 50% work, it is impossible to leave it out completely.  which is why any resemblance to real persons, places, events, etc. is purely coincidental.  she will someday cruficy the not-so-innocent in fiction.  she can't wait.

yeah.  sorry to be on this so much.  i swear i did stop thinking about it a couple weeks ago, but having it brought up again... 

mmph.

posted by: juuitsu at November 03, 2006 03:01 | link | comments |

i was looking at job ads this evening and noticed that the urbana free library is still accepting applications for their "Executive Director" position.  what, still?  when did that happen?  so, after scouring their website for information, i discovered that the wonderful Fred Schlipf is retiring in may.  and even though i'm no longer living in urbana, and even though that's no longer my library, i am so sad to hear that Fred's resigning.  i'm probably holding him up to unreasonable standards and putting him on some kind of library director extraordinaire pedestal (of doom), but damn, he was a fine director, an excellent teacher, and a fabulous storyteller.  i learned so much from him and enjoyed every minute of his classes.  he's someone i really respect, and it's going to take someone really special to fill his shoes.  yeah, and now i can never go back and work for him.  that, too, is a little depressing.

posted by: juuitsu at November 03, 2006 01:02 | link | comments |

a really helpful note to self (found on my desk at work):

"need the stuff!"

yeah.  i wrote it.  i have no idea what it means.

posted by: juuitsu at November 03, 2006 00:32 | link | comments |

this is...i don't even know how to describe it. fucking amazing? the japanese are just going to do everything better than anyone else ever will. tea ceremonies, cameras, automobiles, and t-shirt folding. wow.

posted by: juuitsu at November 01, 2006 03:40 | link | comments (3) |

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