veiled exuberance

none shall pass.

so i am right now watching myself on my very own webcam!  it's a bit lag-gy.  i keep winking at me and then watching my mirror image wink just a wee bit later.  the deliberate and slooow winking reminds me of Falcor from The Neverending Story (which was a lovely movie, but a terrible book).  sheol has talked me into downloading skype - you know, for the talking over the inet? and i could not figure out where things needed to be plugged in so that i could use my mic and my speakers at the same time (and conversations are bound to be rather one-sided if i can either only hear or only speak). right. thus, the webcam. it has a mic in it, and runs off a usb. and it seems to be working fine, although, so far only i've been looking at me. mostly? you can see my forehead. it's not too shiny, so i'm not even blindingly atrocious. woo. i filmed a little bit of powder b taking a bath, but no one saw that either. *sigh* new toys and no one around to show them off to. :)

ya know, about 15 minutes ago i went over to check my email to see what i had on my list of things to write about...because i made a list while i was talking to someone at work, and i *thought* that i'd sent it to myself...when, apparently i did not.  there's no list.  none.  so i guess i'm out of things to say...

NEVER.

right now, in the out-of-doors, the most amazing weather is occuring.  i say amazing because it is both coolish and warmish (making it perfect for being outside in it all) and it's all being swirled around by this blustery wind.  it feels all energized, as though a storm's brewing (but not humid).  it's perfect go wandering in the dark and smooch in secret places weather.  *looks around*  dammit.  no one smoochable here.  grrrr.

posted by: juuitsu at October 31, 2006 03:44 | link | comments |

i dreamt i was part of some expedition to this exclusive lakeshore coast.  we were going to study and stay with the man who had probably begun it's slow destruction.  although he was a staunch environmentalist, the very fact that he built his several story mansion right there in the middle of this fragile habitat showed how at odds his beliefs really were.  that, and the fact that more and more mansions were also popping up in the area.  we had only a few years, if that, left to study it.

we spent some time *in* the lake, swimming around, examining the flora and fauna.  our leader was this excitable ditsy woman who hadn't done any planning for our trip and was pretty much relying on things just working themselves out...and that was making some of our number a bit nervous.  plus we had about 10 kids with us.  so we all climb out of the lake, dripping wet, and our fearless leader guides us to the house of the wealthy environmentalist where she proceeds to ring his doorbell for the next 10 minutes or so.  we've all got goosebumps and i'm wondering, "is he actually home?  does he even know we're coming?"  a few minutes later he answers the door, but it's obvious that we weren't expected.  he's scowling at us, at her, even as he steps back to let us in.  the interior is opulent.  he has many bathrooms.  his daughters (he also seems to have a lot of those) have their own wall of nailpolish - organized by color - on one wall of their bathroom.  we can't stop looking at their stuff. 

while i'm waiting for someone else to finish up in the bathroom i've chosen, i start doing calculations of what it would cost to live where and how this environmentalist lives - for a year.  i'm up to about $900,000 by the time it's my turn to use the bathroom.  there's something really wrong about all of it.  

i wake up.

posted by: juuitsu at October 27, 2006 14:28 | link | comments (4) |

there are so many things and yet, also, nothing, or at least nothing that sticks forefront and demands that i write of it.  immediately.  now.  i'm distracted by thoughts of all of the things i could be doing, and they've hamstrung me into the kind of indecision i hate.  i think it's just a subconscious cycling at this point - this or this or this or this or this or this (repeat ad infinitum)??  i turned on some music to help me focus.  funny how that works.  it's just enough to make me concentrate on something, and then i *don't* get distracted and i can accomplish things.

hoo boy.  here we go.  just wrote and then deleted a bunch of stuff.  it's going to be one of *those* kinds of nights.  at least when i sit here there's no danger of my falling in holes and further damaging myself.  sitting really is pretty safe.  the goddess (work) keeps telling me that.  she's a big fan of inactivity.  me?  not so much.  there was once a time, i even remember it, when i could throw myself single-mindedly into things for hours and *not* think about anything else.  it's fucked up that people value multi-tasking over this kind of intense focus.  not that i'm even capable anymore of doing this.  but i think, if there were less to worry about, other things could be enjoyed more deeply, more thoroughly...or at least experienced with your whole mind/body.  TOTAL ABSORPTION!  MORTAL KOMBAT!  er.  yes.

i've been having a lot of dreams lately, which i can't clearly remember once i wake up.  i'm not writing them down fast enough.  all that i recall from last night's was slowly walking down the street and picking up interesting bits of paper trash along the way...looking for something Real and True amidst the garbage.  and then i ran across this patch of my own stuff.  lots of it.  blowing around every which way.  and i quickly gathered up as much of it as i could, not because i was scared to have anyone read it, but i was scared to have them find it and read it in my presence.  i didn't want to be around and *see* what they thought of it.  the idea was terrifying.  and, probably revelatory of something...my guess is either being confronted with something i'm not willing or ready to discuss...or some dreamy whisper of what led me here to veiled exuberance in the first place.  not fear so much of what i have said, but fear of what they will do with it.

it's interesting sometimes to have people bring up things i've said in my blog in real life, because i'm not always prepared for it.  and it's not that i mind really...it's just that i process differently when i'm writing than i do when i'm talking on the phone or in person with someone.  writing gives me all of this space that i need to explore things and think about what i think before i *say* it....conversations are so much more immediate and there's no backspace, really...or edit button.  ;)  different dynamic, ya know?  so sometimes it throws me...but in a good way.  i'm really bad at *talking* about how i'm feeling...but really good at writing about it.

i went for a walk yesterday in the graveyard.  it was the only place i could think of that had gravel paths, and for some reason, my feet wanted to be on gravel.  some kind of tactile thing, i guess.  as soon as i was on the gravel road there, it was right and good and satisfying.  at times i've needed to *be* places before, but i don't ever remember thinking that i needed a particular type of terrain just because of how it would *feel* under my feet.  but how cool.  i was coming down this long stretch where the horizon was infinite in front of me.  it felt like journey.  it felt like trekking.  it felt like i was going somewhere unbeknownst to me - just hiking off into the day for the whole day, for a whole week, for months seeking whatever lies beyond the next hill.  and the sun was all over warm on my back.  i even took my coat off and tied it around my waist so i could feel all of that sun on my skin.  mm.  i'm going to miss summer this year.  it disappeared without saying goodbye properly. 

then i cut across a field and fell in a hole and twisted my ankle, which is ironic, because i'd just been thinking how that field was riddled with hidden holes and furrows and ankle-twisting places.  naturally, i'd find one almost immediately - i'm a regular dowsing rod for that sort of thing.  so after i yelled "fuck" and sucked in a breath so i wouldn't cry, i flexed my foot a few times and thought about irony, and fate, and other things until i was able to get up and walk around.  it hurt ALL the way home, but damn if i didn't make it.  adversity sometimes only makes me feel stronger.

got a message today that i didn't know what to do with...  it was from a friend of a guy who had messaged me a few days ago...she was telling me that *really* this guy and i were a good match and i should give him a chance and that he was definitely *not* "a tool."  it was the tool part that cracked me up.  the guy, i'm sorry to say, seems like he has a lot of issues and is in a lot of pain.  and honestly, at the moment, i'm quite enjoying my freedom from the issued.  and that's why i didn't write back - it just seemed like a correspondence i was going to dread if it continued.  at the same time, i felt bad about not writing back - a little - because i like to reward the amusing and witty with something, you know, so they feel they are doing well.  just because it didn't work for me doesn't mean it won't for someone else.  but i also don't want to encourage the ones with who i want no further contact to keep writing me - especially if there's anything about their messages/profiles that make it seem like they're interested in more than friendship.  i am quickly horrified by people who hit on me when i'm not attracted to them.  sometimes you know this right away, sometimes it takes a few messages, sometimes you meet and then you run away with your tail between your legs.  wee wee wee!  all the way home.  my intuition *could* be wrong, but ya know, so far it hasn't been.  so i wrote back.  finally.  to both of them.  to the guy i said, "thanks and you seem a decent fellow, but you're not for me...hope you find what you seek."  and to the friend of the guy i said, "thanks for reminding me not to be an asshole.  i don't want to date your friend.  i'm sure he's lovely, but he's not my type of lovely, and i'm distracted right now by someone else.  and your guy?  he's got issues.  i hope he finds happiness."  i'm sure that's not satisfying, and i'm sure that someone's going to be upset that i dismissed him without giving him a chance.  but it's not really necessary to try EVERYONE out, is it?  no.  so i ended up changing a few things...like what i'm looking for - friends, penpals, activity partners - and my status - seeing someone.  so, hopefully that covers my ass and i can be as distracted and slow about writing back as i want to be.  or, you know, people will just stop messaging me at all and i'll miss it...even if they are tools.

i love this song:

You were almost kind
You were almost true
Don’t let me see that other side of you.
You have learned in time
That you must be cruel
I’ll have to wait to get the best of you.

Poison in everything you say,
Don’t you don’t you.
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way.

You were almost kind
You were almost true
Why give away that other side of you.
Happens every time
So it must be true
Step on a kid he’ll grow up hating you.

Poison in every thing you say,
Don’t you don’t you.
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way.

Were you ever kind
Were you always cruel
Who has ever seen that other side of you.
Happened every time
So it must be true
Where did you learn it’s either him or you.

You were almost kind
You were almost true
Don’t let me see that other side of you.
You have learned in time
That you must be cruel
I’ll have to wait to get the best of you.

Poison in everything you say,
Don’t you don’t you.
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way.

Either Way - Guster.

i think i'm done for now...

posted by: juuitsu at October 27, 2006 04:20 | link | comments (2) |

people say i'm busted...

and by this i mean i was a scribble of code earlier, which seems to have been fixed by posting again.  kind of annoying, but what can ya do? 

*soldiers on*

i'd be more vigilant, 'cept i promised myself i'd preserve my anonymity *better* this time and not log in from work.  which means, i email anything i feel like posting to myself and then do it at home.  BAH.  but that's how it goes.  meant to write more this morning...but i had some curious email to respond to.  and now i'm about to be late, so i'd better haul ass.  *hauling*

posted by: juuitsu at October 26, 2006 02:58 | link | comments |

so i meant to mention something below about liquidation sales...but didn't get around to that because of everything else that was distracting me. 

ahem! [clears throat] LIQUIDATION SALES.

so i worked for this bookstore once upon a time, and they went out of business.  they offered to keep us on until the bitter end - mostly because the liquidation company people have no desire to deal with the onslaught and outrage of your *true* and *devoted* customers.  uh-huh.  most of us decided to stay, because, hey, why not?  there may have been some kind of hazard pay bonus, too.  i forget.  anyway, as the sale progressed, customer type people became more and more rude - especially when they realized that their gift certificates were no longer going to be accepted as *payment* for anything.  hoo boy were they mad.  and yeah, it's a terrible injustice, and yeah, we sympathized.  but there's only so much of that you can do.  and really, at that point, your company has nothing left to lose.  oh?  you're upset?  well, that's natural.  but, we're going out of business and we don't so much care anymore what you think of us.  in a way, it's rather freeing.  normally, you're expected to bend over backwards to make customers happy...and suddenly we were in this position where it.just.didn't.matter (chant along with me: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!  IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!).  some people took great pleasure in putting things into perspective for customers.  "gee, a $5 gift certificate you can't redeem?  that's too bad.  guess what, tho?  i'm losing my JOB.  i have to file a claim to even get PAID for my vacation time.  you'll just have to file a claim, too.  good luck with that."

people would threaten us, too.  one woman stood within 3 inches of me and said she was going to break all of our windows.  "oh," i said, "i don't think our landlord would be very amused."  she backed down, looked cross, and walked out.  people could say all of this awful stuff, but none of it touched you.  it was awful, and yet it was awfully fun, too.  "i can see why you went out of business with THIS kind of attitude."  yes, yes.  we wrote angsty work poetry about it and posted it in the back by the GM's desk. 

that's a kind of power.  the power of no consequences, the power of no repercussions.  and it felt really good, really briefly.  but it's all about assholes.  if people were nice, we'd do everything to help them.  if people weren't, we finally had the freedom to do something about it...or to do nothing.  "you seem...angry.  that's FUNNY!"  :) 

i don't know about long term.  being nasty and distasteful to people leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  i mean, it's no fun to have to babysit and psychoanalyze all of the assholes who frequent your establishment (can everyone please just leave their issues and their DAY at home/work/wherever?), but being angry and confrontational all the time is exhausting.  and it sucks all the happy out of you.  just going to a new place where staff didn't see the customers as THE ENEMY was an improvement.  there was a whole lot less dread involved.  and people could rematerialize as people and not as *problems.*   i would much rather make people laugh than hurt their feelings and put them in their place.  i'd rather we understood and respected one another.  do you always get your druthers?  no.  you certainly don't.

not so secretly, i'm really glad i'm not in retail anymore.

posted by: juuitsu at October 24, 2006 00:24 | link | comments (1) |

brutally curious asks "who would you be if there were no rules?"

i don't know.

oberon sort of posed a similar question yesterday when he was talking about super heroes.  he thinks that if one had super powers one would be corrupted by them.  someone would eventually annoy you and whatever intentions you had for doing good would be overrun.  and the next time something like that happened, your fuse would be shorter, and subsequently shorter and shorter thereafter, until your tolerance for annoyance was nil and your use of your super power(s) to overcome whatever obstacles littered your path was great.  human nature? 

having a super power would be like removing the rules - suddenly you'd be outside of whatever makes the universe tick (at least in some sense - either physically or societally imposed).

i'm not sure who i would be.  i'd like to think i wouldn't turn into an evil bitch (oh wait, too late), but you don't know how having power (when you've never had any previously) might affect you.  if everyone else has to live inside the rules, seems like there'd be more potential for you to step out of line, because who's going to stop you?  would you also lose the ability to relate to people (because you wouldn't technically be human anymore)?  if your worldview is utterly different, can you find enough in common with others to understand them and *not* despise them?  would you want to help humankind?  would their problems become something you no longer cared about?  would you have your own personal agenda?

i certainly wouldn't want to rule the world.  nor would i want to be harrassed by people to either *use* my super power for whatever *they* considered to be the *good* or to test it against whatever they found to throw at me.  we all need a little peaceful anonymity.

i think about stepping outside of the rules every once in awhile.  not in the super hero way, so much as, what if we changed how things function?  survival is all weird now and the things we do are not really related to our ability to survive if we were thrust into NATURE without any of our usual resources.  we are people up against office building cubicle imprisonment between the hours of 9 and 5 every day.  and maybe some people are very happy there. maybe they make little cube forts and fire little nerf projectiles at one another, order indian buffet, and carve out a sweet little existence on the carpet squares with their comrades.  that doesn't sound so bad, actually.  :) but if all of that paper pushing, computer serving, money making maelstrom suddenly stopped functioning...if all of those cushy jobs disappeared, and people had to, i dunno, live off the land?  could they would they do it?

how much chaos would there be?

do we live like we do because we were socialized in a certain way?  is it too hard to imagine something different or is it too easy not to change what's there?  what would it take to change it?  can you really envison how something would work?  or do you have to just *do* it and then deal with the consequences?

i see this great suburban sprawl SUV graveyard, where the wind whistles through the broken windows of the big airy aluminum-sided boxes (little boxes all the same) that are being "developed" all across farmlands and swamps and wild places everywhere.  because filling IN the space is THE most important thing you can do.  if it's not landscaped it's worthless.  if someone wants it, you should sell it.  if they build a strip mall, you should frequent it.  "and every single block looked like every single block, looked like every single block, looked like every single block, but you kept driving, cuz everyone else kept driving cuz gridlock is evil, and not knowing your way is evil..." (Wasteland - Dan Bern) 

i'm riding around with monkeybaby last thursday and we're sounding like broken record copies of one another as we're railing against the evils of land development, and then i get home and think, "someone must approve of this stuff.  someone must look out into the world, see a scrubby overgrown place and think - that looks like THE prime location for a walmart.  someone sees the world and thinks they can do it BETTER.  why can't we have a little of both?" i like looking around me and seeing places that no one has built on.  places that don't *belong* to someone.  places that can still be explored and digested and experienced.  places that aren't paved.  places you can walk into and get lost in.  places that aren't surrounded by fences.  what would it all look like if we couldn't get everywhere we wanted to go in a mere 10 minutes?  and?  if the size of your physical space shrinks can your *expanded* mind still fit inside of it?  would the businesspeople who spend most of their lives on airplanes way up in the sky between here and there totally lose it?  or would everyone breathe a big sigh of relief to be grounded for awhile?

posted by: juuitsu at October 23, 2006 23:17 | link | comments |

somewhat grouchy this morning.  it's one of those "the world is conspiring against me!" kinds of days.  and it's only 10:30!  whee.  i fell out of bed at 7:30 like an old person whose muscles had stopping receiving communications from her brain.  indeed, this was because i am much like an old person AND my muscles have stopped receiving (or at least paying attention to) messages received from my brain.  my increased levels of exercise last week combined with running around chicago and oberon's neighborhood yesterday have made me decidedly achey.

so.  i'm taking the day off.  officially.  it started when i looked up at the clock and realized there was no way i was going to be able to get to work on time.  none.  and then i had that, "oh well, my throat *does* hurt" rationalization going on.  "maybe i should just call in."  yeah.  and so i've done.  i think sick time policies need to be revised to include the sorts of things that people use the time for anyway - like, i needed more time for myself, it was too beautiful to come in to work, i have a million things to do at home and i never get to them because i'm always *there*, and so on.  because the worst thing is feeling *guilty* about using time that is *yours* to use just because you aren't falling down dead sick.  what people *are* sick of is living their lives on the edges, and in whatever time is left over *after* they get home from work.  or i'm just blowing things out of proportion because i'm annoyed. 

things that are currently pissing me off:

1.) the fact that some of the bills i *thought* i'd paid online last month apparently didn't get paid.  so now there are late fees.  grr.  and i don't know if this is because i marked them down on my budgety graphy sheet and then forgot to actually do the online bill paying thing, or if i *did* do it and then it somehow didn't go through.  that's worrisome, if true.  it doesn't look like any of them have been paid twice, though, so that's encouraging.  will wait and see on this and keep better records.  if it's *me* then i shall have to worry about my brain (and start sleeping more, so i'm not such an idiot).

2.) i rebooked my trip to hawaii that i'd had to cancel before due to the whole "attacked by ninja" and "nearly-fatal foot fracturing."  can a foot fracture be fatal or nearly so?  yes.  if it makes you insane with inactivity it can.  so.  i did this through the travel service's website, because no one told me i shouldn't AND in fact it says ON the website that you can apply any cancelled tickets to your new purchase...although, i probably *should* have known that when that option didn't appear at the checkout point, it could only mean trouble.  but i shrugged it off and decided that it could all be worked out later.  yeah.  don't do that.  if you don't want to be out another $750, that is.  because that is what they are telling me now.  spent a good 20 minutes on the phone with them this morning expressing my *concern.* and basically they can't do anything until they receive my paper tickets in the mail.  which they haven't yet.  i'm only a little worried about that, as i sent them in on thursday last week, so they could still be on their way/being processed/whatnot.  what *does* concern me is that they seemed to be saying that i couldn't use the credit on *this* trip, regardless.  which is precisely what i want to use it for.  because where the fuck else am i going to go on a plane this year??  i don't understand why it should be difficult to do this, and i am going to raise an unholy fuss if they make it difficult.  part of me wonders why nothing is ever easy.  there is the only the illusion of ease.  if you deviate from the one defined WAY of things, then don't expect any convenient resolutions.  dammit.  i should KNOW this.

3.) guilt that i'm taking a sick day and i'm not falling down dead.  i am falling down sore and exhausted and my throat hurts - which is me taking into account a lot of aches and pains and making them add up to sick.  and i'm not a sissy, so no, i don't really consider myself sick.  normally i would just, you know, soldier on.  but i have a lot of stuff to figure out.  i'm annoyed that i can't relax and enjoy it.  this is another one of those things that's been ingrained in me from a very.young.age.  so, perhaps i'll blame my mother as well as society.  whee!  i'm on a roll now. :)

i *am* satisfied, however, because i have at least 3 things to be annoyed about - instead of 2, which didn't seem like enough.  isn't there some similar rule for outlines?  if you have a point A, you must have a point B?  i seem partial to threes, however.

***

weekend update:

i spent saturday doing laundry.  lots of laundry.  tons of laundry.  at my folks' house.  and then i cut the dog's nails and took her for a walk.  and then realized she was bleeding all over everything because one of her nails had been cut too short.  and it wouldn't stop bleeding, so i had to bandage it.  and then every time she had to go outside, i had to put a little plastic baggie over her foot so the bandage wouldn't get wet and it made her walk funny.  on the whole, though, she wasn't all that traumatized.  exciting, no? 

i finally watched "Howl's Moving Castle," another Miyazaki film, and it was fantastic.  the moving castle was all cobbled together every which way and was held together and powered by a little fire demon, Calcifur.  the wizard, Howl, was somehow bound to the demon, and their relationship, while friendly and cordial, wasn't really healthy for either of them.  Sophie, a normal human girl person, gets involved with Howl when he rescues her from some impertinent soldiers.  Howl's interference brings her to the attention of a powerful witch who is either in love with Howl, or covets his power, and she transforms Sophie into an old woman (out of spite?) and compels her to deliver a message to Howl.  Sophie ends up staying with Howl and becoming his cleaning lady.  she falls in love with him and then, whenever her true feelings show, she regains her youth.  the wizards and witches are all involved in a terrible war, which is not of their making - but they are forced to participate by some powerful ruling humans (whose names i can't recall).  Howl becomes ensnared in a battle of his own - to resist these humans.  and...the rest you should probably see for yourselves (if you're interested).  the animation is great, and Howl's castle looks like something out of baba yaga (she's that Russian witch, right?  the one who had the chicken legged house?).  it's based on the novel by Diana Wynne Jones (same title), who also wrote the Chrestomanci books and the Dark Lord of Derkholm (also, Year of the Griffin), which i really like.  will have to try the book next, since i was so impressed by the animation.  also liked a number of Miyazaki's other flims: "Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind," "My Neighbor Totoro," and "Grave of the Fireflies" (which, incidentally, i will NEVER watch again because it was so awfully painful...but it packs a powerful message).  i may also have seen Princess Mononoke, but i'm not sure.

around 9, i figured i wasn't going to hear from oberon, so i went to Target and picked up a few things.  brought my dad along, but we wandered separately.  kinds of shopping i tend to do:

1. i know exactly what i need and i only have an hour to do this.  in and out and done and home.
2. i want to take some time and wander around and look at stuff.  alone.
3. i want to wander around with other people and look at stuff together and talk about the stuff we're looking at and not accomplish much except for the walking around and looking at stuff and talking (or, we don't really have anywhere to go or anything to do, and it's climate controlled here, and we're enjoying one another's company.  in college this was the oh-my-god-i-can't-study-anymore-let's-get-the-hell-out-of-here-and-go-somewhere-that's-open-24-hours kind of shopping).
4. someone else i'm with is looking for something specifically, and i get to be the shopping/fashion consultant - "oh yes, that looks absolutely fantastic on you."  "i'm sure so and so, whom i've never met, would absolutely LOVE this roasting pan.  i mean, who WOULDN'T?"  ;)
5. picking up things for other people (which tends to be fast and to the point, as in #1).
6. some combination of these, or start out with one of them and switch to one of the others depending on crowds at the shopping places, and who i meet up with along the way.

Target was mostly a #1, with a little bit of #2...i know what i want, i'm getting those things...oooh distracted by sparkly stuff.  :)  i was looking at a package of stretchy spiders (definitely NOT sparkly), and this woman was saying, "oh, those are so cute..." about something else on the display we were both standing in front of, and i said, "i really HOPE you're not talking about these...because i just can't agree with you.  spiders are NOT cute."  and that had her giggling.  mission accomplished.

read some of my old year books from high school.  HA.  "stay sweet!"  "KIT!"  "F/F"  "You COW!  Don't call me a big furry anus!"  yeah, that one might be unique to mine.  :)  year books are silly.  i wonder if anyone writes anything meaningful in them at all?  i wonder what i wrote in other people's...i have no recollection. i hope i said something that distinguished me.  i hope i lived up to all of the "you're one of the strangest/most unique/weirdest people i've ever met"s that people left in mine.  as i was reading and choking on my water (giggle snort gasp choke), i got that weird dissociated feeling - where my previous/younger self just felt like some kind of dream that i had watched, but never lived through myself.  who was that person anyway?  who were all of these people she knew?  what was any of that like?  it feels really far away sometimes.  i'm not really emotionally attached to many of those memories anymore, and it seems strange that they're all still in my head, floating across my consciousness occasionally, or collecting motes of neuronal dust in some cerebral storage facility.  i moved on...but the person in those pages?  who was she?  she's trapped there forever, in that moment.

sunday.  up early early to go see the marathon.  actually, it was more about seeing merisferis than the marathon.  she was in town (having had some extra vacation time), and we both thought it would be a good opportunity to hang out.  yeah.  neither one of us had counted on the cold, blustery day.  brr.  i've never watched the marathon before.  it was an experience.  i got off the train at UIC/Halsted and it was *right* there happening in front of me.  hundreds of people running by with nary a gap.  so many people.  this was at mile 16ish, so they'd already come so far, and i - who have never run more than 3 miles consecutively - was impressed.  it was one of those emotionally charged things - so much energy, so many people making dreams happen...or at least, that's how i saw it initially.  i know there are career marathoners who do this sort of thing all the time, but i'm sure there are many other people out there who have always dreamed of running in a marathon and this is a big deal to them (as it would be to me).  it just affected me as some things do - taking me by surprise.  i had tears in my eyes, which weren't from the cold, just because amazing stuff was happening around me.  it must be tremendous to actually participate.  i felt a little like this when i was biking through indy this summer...part of something larger than myself, the thrill of being with all of these other people focused on the same goal, speed and wind and movement.  *sigh.*  i am never going to run a marathon (unless medical science discovers new ways to grow cartilage and then makes them cheap), and i'm pretty ok with that.  but there's this scent of dreams being fulfilled, things being accomplished that the runners carried with them down the streets.  i could breathe that in all day, all week, all my life.  and the people on the sidelines are all cheering and clapping and yelling, "you are AMAZING!  KEEP GOING!  you're going to MAKE IT!"  people you don't even know want you to succeed.

k, so after about 2 hours of that i was considerably less starry-eyed and considerably more freezing, so i took my leave and caught the train back to my car, where i switched the heat on high and tried to thaw out my hands.

saw oberon when i got home.  he chased me around his neighborhood with foam javelins (i'm wondering if i should just leave it at that).  ;)  i was worried about breaking myself, so i utterly failed to kick his ass.  but several hours later i was able to rally (or, i just stopped caring/noticing) and i assaulted him with a slightly moist paper towel.  which doesn't *sound* particularly dangerous or horrifying, but believe me, it was.  i'm sure his neighbors are used to his antics by now - all of the running around with padded weapons and beating on innocent damsels.  one of them passed by and said, "you know, i'm rooting for HER."  lovely!  it's further proof, perhaps, that we can make a game out of anything.  or, you know, a bloody battle. 

observation: apparently, it's much easier for me to beat people up than it is to shower them with affection.  i only attack people i really like, and, i should probably work on that - seeing as it's a pretty gradeschoolesque kind of response.  i'm, what, 9?  :)

posted by: juuitsu at October 23, 2006 18:38 | link | comments |

i've been working at our children's desk most of the day today, and i just had a grandparently couple come in looking for the book "Flat Stanley," by Jeff Brown.  their grandson had sent them his own rendition of Flat Stanley (a construction paper cut out with yarn hair and real buttons on his shirt) and a journal for them to fill in this month so they can write and tell him about all of the things that Stanley did while visiting them.  so Stanley's been to the hair dresser, and to the grocery store, and now to the library.  i had my picture taken with him, reading him his very own story, and grandma's just gone to check out the book herself, so that she'll be familiar with it, too.  what a fun project!  way to get the whole family involved!

posted by: juuitsu at October 20, 2006 04:34 | link | comments (5) |

i think half my blog entries start out with either the words, "so tired..." or their close relatives.  i've been reading this book called "The Experts' Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do," which is essentially a list of everything you should know how to do (according to its compiler, Samantha Ettus).  each chapter is a different thing you should know how to do (like: laundry, iron a shirt, change your oil, negotiate, shampoo your hair, care for a pet, etc.), and is written by an expert who tells you how to do it.  one of the first is "sleep," which struck me as funny, until i realized/acknowledged that i don't always do it particularly well.  it's a fascinating little book, even if you already know how to do all of the things they describe (though, there's plenty of nonessential stuff in there, in my opinion)...might be interesting to make my own list of things i think one ought to know how to do.  you know, if i run out of other things to write, or get truly *inspired* (in other words, don't hold your breath).

all of this is just a very long lead in to my usual, "so tired..."  

working nights is bad for me, especially when i then have to work the next morning.  i don't know why 3 hours should make such a big difference, but it does.  i need lots of wind-down-y time.  so, if my usual bedtime is around 11, and i work until 8, but still need the same amount of time between the end of work and bed that i would if i were only working until 5...that puts my new (and improved!) bedtime at 2am.  which is about right.  i could have kept going until 2am, but that would have made the rest of today suck.  sometimes it just feels like everything takes forever.  

grad school made me slightly more patient about getting things done - my time was so scheduled, i really only had a couple of hours to do things, so i had to be much more efficient about it.  sometimes there's only so much you can do at once...and you don't get to have that satisfaction of completing tasks before moving on to something else.  i like me a bit of satisfaction, though, so while i realize that completion may be just out of reach, it makes me a bit grouchy sometimes.  if only i could finish *something*!  yeah.  i finish lots of things, just not exactly when planned/when i want to.  :)  and i no longer have the luxury of being able to do exactly as i please at the reference desk - and that means no knitting, no letter writing, no reading...geez.  and NO BLOGGING.  i had a reference blog for awhile, when i was working at the engineering library, because people asked me really interesting things, and it was kind of cool to detail the process of how i went about finding stuff...you know, before it became a regular path in my brain to know the whats and wheres of things.

my tummy's all cramped up and i don't know why.  i'm really hoping it's not the milk.  i got some on friday when i was out with monkeybaby and it rolled around in the back of my car and spilled a bit.  which maybe is bad, because it means that it wasn't tightly sealed.  didn't have reason to taste it until today, and it tasted...*different* from the other milk i'd been drinking.  not spoiled, but *different* and not really *different* good.  which means i should probably just pour it down the drain and get some milk that tastes ok. but i drank a whole glass before work and now...well, let's not encore it.

posted by: juuitsu at October 20, 2006 04:34 | link | comments |

i finally dragged my ass back to the gym tonight.  it was a struggle, believe me.  not because my ass is so large and unwieldly so much as i've gotten in the habit of *relaxing* when i get home from work.  and, yeah, sitting in front of my computer for hours on end.  it's been easy to rationalize.  first, i was on crutches, then the boot was a pain, then...well, not really healed yet - and i can continue to use that one until december and the next set of x-rays.  but really, i'd so much rather be healed than making excuses for not going to the gym.  not that these things are intimately related (unless they should become so in that 'too much too soon' sense).  but don't worry.  it was only pilates, and most of it was on the floor and not prancing around on delicate foot bones.  i did ride a bike afterward.  a RECUMBENT bike.  see?  i'm being careful.  yes.  did you know that exercise is another one of those things that builds healthy bones?  yeah.  and weight lifting in particular.  i'm trying to decide if i'm fit enough to do the weights class i like - it's tomorrow night.  i think i may, but without the weights when we do lunges.  the upper body stuff should all be fine. 

pretty much everyone in the class tonight was injured in some way.  john had pulled a hamstring, pam has a bad knee (also hasn't been there for 3 months because she was busy with her 'ex-husband dying and all.'  i really had no idea what to say when she told me that.  oh, how awful?  apparently, they were on ok terms because she took care of him and what not.  but i so don't know her well enough to be able to comment.  and some other woman's name that i don't know has back AND knee problems.  and then there's me.  i think there were maybe 2 sound people + the instructor.  she said she kept things easy because she didn't want to break us - it'd be nice if we came back again.  ;)

posted by: juuitsu at October 17, 2006 02:44 | link | comments (5) |

it is so hard to find my way out of this lethargy.  i'm the kind of tired right now that requires hibernation.  what say you - shall i call in and tell work that i'll be living off my fat this week, thank you very much?  :)  i got home around 10 last night and was doing some foot exercises before i went to bed.  usually, i read while doing these or my mind gets bored...but i kept.falling.asleep.  which is funny, when your leg is still moving.  maybe i'll become like those animals whose brains sleep one hemisphere at a time.

yesterday, i accompanied oberon to a theatre hike production of Frankenstein at the Morton Arboretum.  here's how that works: you have a hike leader who explains the process and then leads you to the various locations where the play is taking place.  people sit on blankets or bring fold-y chairs and volunteers carry the props to the next scene.  you walk about 2 miles and the acting/walking takes about 2 1/2 hours.  great for us restless types who don't like to sit still for long periods of time.  it was quite good.  the creature loomed, and Herr Frankenstein was properly moody and mad.

afterward, we explored our environs - hiked up a hill and wandered around in the new maze garden.  yeah, that was a bit disappointing.  i was hoping for something bigger with taller hedges, you know, so one could get properly lost in it?  i managed to get us briefly lost by not paying any attention to where we were going.  but there were so many kids and peeeeeople, in general, that it wasn't as much fun as it could have been.  i was more in the mood for silent, haunting lostness, than the screaming, running, escape from your parents sort.  and, i don't ever *feel* lost when i'm among people - because you can always find out from someone where you are.  and there were far too many someones. :)

more walking after we'd had something to eat.  i spied a bike/hike trail across the road and suggested that we find out where it goes.  this is always a problem with me.  lacking bikes, we had to follow it on foot, and you never *really* find out as much about the *where* of things when you're on foot.  bikes cover more ground, faster.  but!  we found a lovely hill, which we climbed, and then flopped down on to watch the clouds.  it was quite perfect.  there was some knotty-tangled clover growing all over the hill, which was quite springy and soft to lay in (even tho it was a bit chilly out).  stayed there until we were discovered by a curious and energetic viszla with tons and tons of puppy energy.  she and her owner rousted us and we made our way through the prairie and back to civilization.  i thought i saw a large beastie on the way out - like some kind of wild turkey or coyote (turcote?)...but oberon couldn't confirm my sighting, and when we were *where* i thought i'd seen it, there was nothing there.  spoooooky.

and then, things and stuff...and it was all of a sudden mighty late and me with an hour long drive back home.  blarghh.  i wish i lived closer.  (and also i've got about 10 minutes to shower and get my butt out the door and off to work - challenging enough under normal conditions, but now i've got this LETHARGY to contend with as well...sigh.  off i go.)

posted by: juuitsu at October 16, 2006 13:50 | link | comments (6) |

i put on my coat this evening in preparation to leave work, and i felt this unpleasant sting on my neck.  it soon felt like someone had jabbed a needle right into my nerve.  and i couldn't figure out what it was.  brushed my collar a bunch of times and felt nothing.  couldn't even feel anything on my neck - except the ow; it was a world of ow.  made a futile effort to get into the bathroom to take a look at the neck trauma site -  there's a refrigerator in the bathroom, did you know?  i didn't.  huh.  they'd already turned off the lights in the public restroom and i wasn't really anxious enough to move an entire fridge, so i shrugged and left.  tilted the rearview mirror when i got into the car and there's a nice red welt with a bite/sting mark right at the center, red area spreading all around it.  ahh.  lovely.  at least i'm not imagining things.  of course, i'd no idea *what* had attacked me.  and i started wondering if i really wanted to know.  i mean, what it if that damned centipede came all the way to work with me, nesting happily in my jacket, and then crawled out and bit me just as i was leaving?  and where the hell is it now? 

when i'm about halfway home, i notice there's a yellow jacket riding shotgun.  aha!  that's my culprit!  i'd just messaged oberon about how my mysterious bite/sting felt very bee-sting-y, and i was right!  being right actually made me feel better about being stung.  not only was i not imagining things, but also i could properly identify symptoms and associations of the things i was not imagining.  sweet.  still.  bee.in.the.car.  fuck.  it was crawling up the passenger-side window, so i thought i'd help it by making it an exit.  i rolled down the window.  and fooom.  it was caught by a gust of wind and went sailing somewhere behind me.  great.  more hidden insects.  why don't they just gang up on me and do me in all at once?  i can't take anymore bug suspense. 

i managed to wait until i was parked, engine off, to look for it (ya know, instead of panicking and screaming and swerving all over the road).  and it was sitting comfortably on a folded blanket  in the back seat - rubbing its 3rd pair of legs together.  i picked up the blanket and shook it out onto the pavement, glared at it, and locked my car.  "and don't come back!"  if i'm going to ferry bugs between points A and B, i want cab fare.

posted by: juuitsu at October 15, 2006 00:08 | link | comments (7) |

limerick for the bear:

I work in a dark warehouse setting
where the spiders are always begetting
rather more of their kind
than I'd like on my mind
And I find it all rather upsetting.

~juuitsu

posted by: juuitsu at October 14, 2006 03:35 | link | comments (2) |

i was going to tell you all about my dream, which had been really interesting and i'm sure you would have been interestED, but it flew from my mind as soon as i noticed a rather large dark discoloration on the ceiling over by my closet.  uh-oh, i thought, that wasn't there before.  it can only be an extremely large insect of some terrifying nature.  i didn't have my glasses on, so it remained an unidentifyable dark discoloration on the ceiling until i was able to find them.  then all of it's terrifying horribleness was revealed to me.  ohmyGOD.  it is a bug from hell.  a truly magnificent specimen.  this one must have been hunting my domain for months feeding on...whatever other insects and spidery things it could find.  it's huge and hugely healthy.  i almost felt bad about my plans to destroy it.  and YET.  since it's so cold in here, and i'm one of the only things producing heat, i wouldn't put it past this wily centipede to try and bed down with me.  mmm.  warmth.  mmm.  SHRIEK.   so i threw my shoe at it.  over and over and over again (because i kept missing).  and it sat peacefully on the ceiling.  and one last time, i threw my shoe at it and it dangled and fell and disappeared into my closet.  oh.NO.  no nonononoonononnno not in there!  yeah.  anyway, it's gone.  and i've lost it.  and it's most decidedly NOT dead.  NOT injured and GOING to die really really soon.  BUT completely healthy and evil and bound to be back, or found curled up comfortably in my naked armpit.  OH FRABJOUS DAY.

i was reading w2media's blog the other day and he had detailed in many many paragraphs the mighty battle he fought against a wasp in his apartment.  and HE started out naked.  i, however, am/was/likely will be until the heat's turned on clothed in at least 2 layers of stuff.  and yet, i fear, the centipede will still somehow make its way into some place that it's really not supposed to be.  like right up against my skin.  and the thought makes me crazy with er...fear?  loathing?  despair?  nah.  it's not really intense at all right now.  i'm also trying not to think about it.  what if it defies all previous experience and merely goes to visit/live with the people downstairs?  that would be perfect.  maybe i can leave a trail of mangled bugs down the hall/stairs and AWAY from my apartment.  OR, do you think that might lead something even MORE horrible to ME?  yipe.

posted by: juuitsu at October 13, 2006 15:09 | link | comments (6) |

despite the part where it's ass cold outside, i'm in a pretty fantastic state right now.  took a long bath to get warmed up, then put on a bunch of layers and my winter coat (plus a hat, and two layers of gloves) and went out into the world for a walkabout.  tried to call a couple people back who'd called me this week, and failed to reach them - figures.  when *i* feel like talking to someone they're never around.  :)  instead, ended up talking to my folks for awhile - bom has the flu.  she says that my brother brought it home and has probably infected them all (them 'all' being her and dad).  it's one of those nauseous-making bugs and the last time she was sick like this she was up all night banging on the side of the bathtub moaning, "i want my mommy..."  dad called the doctor who was able to hear her carrying on in the background and said, "hmm, your wife seems rather upset.  you might want to have her try breathing into a bag."  dad was real reluctant this time about contacting the doctor.  he's funny like that about phone calls - hates them with a passion.  this time mom's moaning, "i'm going to die..." and dad's all, "do you want me to take you to the emergency room?"  he wants to help.  he's willing to take her somewhere and hand her over to the experts, but god forbid he should have to announce his intentions with a courtesy call.  *grin*  that's all i've got from familyland.

i stopped at the corner store on the way home to get some orange juice and drive thru doritos (that would be conveniently snack-sized ones that can be obtained quickly and painlessly) and the guy who runs the store (it's always the same guy that i see there, so i just assume he works all the time, 24-7) offered me their last donut.  i almost took it because it was really nice of him to offer...but i didn't want it and wouldn't have eaten it had i taken it, so i thanked him and went on my way.  i have no idea when the store actually opens or closes.  it's the mart of convenience (operating in much the same way as the room of requirement in the harry potter books) - it's open whenever you need it to be.  you only have to make your need known and you shall find it there.  i hope someone takes him up on his donut, though.  i don't want to have "i didn't take the donut" guilt piling up on my conscience.

posted by: juuitsu at October 13, 2006 03:38 | link | comments (2) |

there's a very cold looking man lying on the ground in the alley trying to saw through this metal post with a sparky doohickey (for which my  brain is not coming up with the right word - alas).  i would not want to be lying on the ground right there at this moment, as it's about 30 degrees out.  brr.  maybe on a sun-drenched beach.  maybe in a field (one without too many bugs; temperature at least 70 degrees).  not there.  ooh.  but he's done it at last.  the metal post is gone - and with it the railing that was once upon a time attached.  people keep running into it anyway - with motor vehicles.  and now the way is completely clear for road rallies and skateboarders to collide!  i should mention, the skateboarders are wimps.  they can't quite convince themselves to skate the staircase.  they're pretty inept, so this is probably a wise decision.  teenage brains don't fire on all cylinders, though. 

we had a blizzard this morning.  then the sun came out.  then more blizzard.  then more sun.  then more blizzard...you get the idea.  the weather's totally fucked up.  but it's exciting and changeable!  right now looks like more snow-laden clouds are shooting this way.  i'm still wearing my coat and hat from outside (momentarily have removed my gloves to type this), as it's colder than a witch's titty...you know the rest...in here.  one of our regulars came in this morning with a gift for us - he'd made a snowball.  too bad the freezer's unplugged.  we could have saved it so everyone could enjoy it. :)

my favorite song of the next 10 minutes is Fountains of Wayne's "Leave the Biker"

the chorus goes like this:

"He's got his arm around every man's dream.
"Crumbs in his beard from the seafood special.
"Oh can't you see my world is falling apart.
"Baby, please leave the biker, leave the biker, break his heart.
"Please leave the biker, leave the biker, break his heart."

every time i hear it (and i repeated it several times on the way home from work today), i stroke my imaginery beard for crumbs. 

posted by: juuitsu at October 12, 2006 23:44 | link | comments (6) |

i'm doing this complete the story thing for halloween - writing contest for the teens - and i've only given them a sentence and they're supposed to come up with the rest of the tale.  i deliberately left it wide open so they could write about whatever they want...of course, that may be too challenging for them - sometimes it's easier if you're given really strict parameters and you have to work within them.  i wonder, though, if maybe it wasn't scintillating enough.  i only had a few minutes to come up with it before they went to press with the newsletter.  HURRY UP!  *ack!*  so it's rushed.  and not all that original or inspired.  or, as i'm worrying, inspirING.

BUT.  i found the following line in a book review today, which really would set their pens/computer keyboards/loins on fire:

"they embark on a sex-drenched bender that culminates with..."

(from Publisher's Weekly, 9/25/06, in the review of Jonathan Lethem's new book, 'You Don't Love Me Yet')

anyone want to finish that one?  ooh ooh ME!  *raises hand and jumps around enthusiastically*

posted by: juuitsu at October 11, 2006 03:02 | link | comments (4) |

autumn, this year, has been disorienting.  in the past few weeks, the light has been different, the air has tasted differently, everything that should be saying fall.  and the message was really definite at first - FALL IS COMING.  and that was fine.  but now i wake up and think, "spring?"  and it takes a few seconds to figure out which way i'm going.  i wonder why i'm so confused.  i've been trying to get some more sleep, because for awhile there the lack thereof was rather less fun than this bad habit i'd gotten into, and i'd rather not end up a few brain cells short of er...a bushel?  if that's how they come.

i've been reading some of the older book reviews that are part of my teen review binder and it's quickly become clear to me that some kids just have no idea what to say about what they've read:

"this was awesome!"
"this is a good book for boys because it is about boy things.  like gangs and boys. and if you like gangs and boys...well, you would like this."
"interesting" (actually, this one was about a book i'd read recently, and that was the first thing that popped into my head, too.)
"i liked this book because..."
"it was written by Shakesphere" (hee hee...of the magic 8 ball? or more david bowie goblin kingesque?)
"this was a very girly book and if you are a girly-girl you would like it.  it is mostly about cheerleading and cheerleaders, so if you are a tomboy or a boy you will want to stay away!"

they crack me up.  they don't have names attached to them, so i have no idea who thought what was awesome.  i do want to ask them, though, if you read this review, would it make you want to read the book?  cuz, it's just not enough for me to know that something was "awesome," especially when my awesome does-not-equal anyone else's awesome in many cases.  the goddess, at work, likes to get book recommendations from me - because i tend to like quirky, and most of our patrons decidedly do NOT.  so she'll buy a little quirky for me, and a lotta bestsellers for them, and everyone's happy. 

posted by: juuitsu at October 10, 2006 01:23 | link | comments |

sometimes it's a relief to run across something you don't like, simply because you don't have to put any more effort into experiencing it/liking it.  that seems odd to write/say, but if you'd seen the amount of stuff on my various lists of things to read, listen to, do, then you'd have some idea of what i mean by *relief*.  i think i'm burning myself out with all of the "DONE, DONE, ON TO THE NEXT ONE!" i've been doing.  but there's still the ever-present curiosity about and desire to take in all of the new stuff...except that there IS so very much new stuff and there's always more and maybe it might be easier to just crawl into a hole and watch the sky above the hole change.  the sky is endlessly fascinating.  clouds and clouds.  it was looking slightly stormish as i left work today.  we may get snow later on in the week, which seems...wrong.  especially since i don't think anyone's messed with the boiler yet this year.  hello?  HEAT?  eh.  that's one thing i'd change about this place - the lack of temperature control.  all i've got are windows that open and shut.  and if it's already 30 degrees in here, nothing i do with them is going to make it any warmer.  i suppose i could snuggle up with some bunnies, but they're so...violent.  i just watched powder rip the shit out of this cat bed that's under my desk.  i got it in case somebunny wanted to, ya know, have a little snooze down by my feet.  but these are bunnies!  NOT SISSIES.  and they won't have it.  or maybe it's cathartic to just go at things with your teeth - take a big BITE out of frustration.  i can relate.

posted by: juuitsu at October 10, 2006 00:59 | link | comments (4) |

the last two nights my dreams have been of a wandering nature.  i'm trying to get somewhere or find something and i can't quite get there/find it, so i wander around looking for ways.  through.  up. around. over. beneath.  and often, the thing that i'm searching for is so elusive that even i don't know it until i'm  knee-deep in dreamland and it becomes a silvery barely-known memory.  "right, i was looking for..."  i forget so often along the way, too - distracted, perhaps by what's happening in the meantime, what i'm seeing as i move through strange buildings and hallways, navigate neighborhoods and shopping malls that have never existed before. 

last night i dreamt i was in a grocery store on my lunch break and i was going through my pockets looking for money.  kept running across this check made out for one of our programs, several receipts for things that i did not look closely at, and after many shufflings of this pile of paper, a fifty-dollar bill.  and every time i found the fifty, i immediately felt better.  phew.  i was furiously recording everything i saw that was of interest (must have been of interest to me, cuz a lot of it was strange stuff that prolly wouldn't have been all that interesting to other people!) in a little notebook i was carrying around with me.  i stopped for a good 20 minutes at the end of one of the aisles and noted that their endcaps had mini-endcap areas behind them and between where the other shelves began, so in that space where the shelves would meet like a T was all sorts of weird...crap.  like, someone had displayed a large plastic jar of...broccoli.  floating in water.  and the jar's advertising claimed, "FRESH broccoli!"  it looked like little green floaty brains.  on the other interstitial endcap someone had lined up rows and rows of soda/pop bottles (the two-liter variety) in various stages of depletion.  mmm.  flat soda.  [aside: so where do you stand on the soda v. pop nomenclature?  i've decided that i don't like either.  i don't even have a regional preference because i grew up saying it both ways.  i'm definitely against all pop being called 'coke,' tho.  that's too misleading.  for awhile i thought that song "Walking On the Sun," by Smashmouth, was saying "buy the world a COKE" instead of "toke," and that made perfect sense to me.  coke is everywhere.  the world knows it.  go to kenya, for instance, and EVERYONE knows what a coke is.  i'm not even kidding.]  the only reason i moved on was because i realized that the place had video surveillance and if i just stayed there making my mad notes at the ends of aisles, someone was going to come along and throw me out.

so. off i wandered.  next thing i remember well was walking down a carpeted walkway toward a spiral staircase - a really big one (and i'm glad this isn't my recurring mall dream where i'm trapped in various stores, and have to find my way back to the point where i entered the mall so i can meet up with whoever...that one's freaky and usually involves the escalators acting in weird ways and PAIN), where there's this elderly chap balanced precariously on his hands.  then he does a flippy sort of backspring thing and lands with an "oof" just before the first stair drops away.  very dangerouse :)  i applaud and we talk for awhile and he's telling me all about his granddaughter, who's 3 and also *really* into gymnastics.  he's taught her everything he knows.  some other people come along and i realize that he actually works in this...wherever we are...and it's his job to take them where they want to go, like some kind of tour guide/bellhop cross.  yeah, i dunno.  so i call after him, "does she compete?" as he's walking away, and he calls back, "not yet, but soon..."  and they disappear. 

i finally make my way out of the store/mall/hotel (who knows what it's turned into at this point) and discover myself outside.  i wake up as i'm walking back to work - in (for once!) the correct direction.

for the most part, i think my dreams are pretty transparent.  they may be all crazy and wild and have really strange elements, but seeing beneath the strangeness to what's *really* going on is pretty easy.  so obviously i've been feeling lost and frustrated recently, which shows in that my dream self can never get where she wants to go, and often has NO idea where that IS, except peripherally, gets lost along the way really easily and *distracted* by other stuff.  oooh, pretty shiny dream stuff!  i don't think the setting even matters in this case, so i'm not going to get into speculating what my various encounters may have meant or if the presence of certain elements had any deep *symbolic* meaning.

also started reading "Finder" (by Emma Bull) last night - oberon lent it to me a couple weeks ago.  there's a character, Orient, whose talent is finding stuff.  once he's established that whatever is lost exists, he feels this visceral tug toward the object and then can direct people to it (though, he doesn't know where it is either - its final resting place/end destination - until he makes the journey to find it).  so, could well be that that, too, was wrapped up in my dream last night (finding and not being able to find, and looking and not knowing what it is that you're looking for).  good theme for me this month.

i'm at the part (in Finder) where Orient and Tick-Tick have just been pressed into a chalk artist's work gang - and this is actually a lot of fun.  i was remembering my friend matt who used to stop by my room in college and ask me to come out and color with him.  so i'd follow him down to the lobby where there'd be bunches of people (doing the things that bunches of people do) and we'd sit down around a table and get out his crayons and lots of clean, crisp, white paper, and we'd draw and color happily for the next few hours.  and there was molly who liked to get together and do *art* which was all kinds of media depending on what you were in the mood for.  and...i wonder why i don't know any other people like this these days?  :)  it's a sad world if we've all become too busy to make art together.

when i was little, i must have been pestering my mom A LOT one day, because she handed me a bucket of water and one of those large paintbrushes that you use to paint walls, and said, "GO PAINT THE DRIVEWAY."  and i did.  i painted the driveway happily for the next hour or so.  i painted pictures and i tried covering entire sections with my "paint" before it dried up.  it wasn't frustrating to have my paintings disappear, either, it was just how it was.  when i'm telling other people about this, i usually tell it/play it like it's this funny thing about how easily amused i am - only takes a bucket of water and a paintbrush!  or how crazy my mother was - seriously, she was probably at her wit's end.  but other times i think that it's about how little things can fill you up (we didn't have any toys back then AND WE LIKED IT!), and how your own creativity can be so rich that it doesn't need a lot of...STUFF...to improve on it.  if i wasn't born with a healthy desire for self-sufficiency (in my family, we call it being 'stubborn'), i defnitely picked some of it up from my mom, who wouldn't let us be bored.  she hated the word.  i hate it, too.  not because i don't think it's valid - we *do* get bored - but because i think we can do things about it.  like paint our driveways. :)  and i can almost always find something to do that keeps me from being bored.  the challenge is when i really want to be doing something else and can't.  cuz then it's ENFORCED boredom.  and i have to be the warden telling my inner bored child that we *have* to do this right now and hopefully we can do the fun stuff later.  and sometimes she hates me for it.  "YOU'RE NO FUN!  YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!  NO!"  she's really pretty vocal.  ;)

posted by: juuitsu at October 08, 2006 16:43 | link | comments (11) |

i think the only reason i'm up at all is because i was hungry.  growrrr rowrrr went the tummy.

it took me out of my dream, which was good, because i was a sometimes little girl called lilah (and by sometimes i mean that sometimes i *was* her and sometimes i was just watching her and i was still me and separate) and i'd just smashed something against the wall in my bathroom (or rather *her* bathroom, since it's nothing like mine) and apparently this was something i did all the time in order to get, er...something else to work.  but this time it cracked a pipe and water came shooting out of one of the holes.  so i stuck my finger it in, and it came out another one, and i stuck another finger in that... and so on until i ran out of things i could reach and then just panicked and screamed for my mom.  i was only about 7.  and then i woke up.

and prior to that i'd bought an apple donut at this shoppe, and it looked *so* good.  it had glazey frosting with chunks of apple in it?  oh my god. 

prior to that i was attending some kind of boarding school...i think it was a high school.  it was night and i was trying to get back to my room, but there were so many unknown hallways.  i hadn't lost my sense of direction, but things weren't lining up nicely.  halls kept ending, stairways didn't go all the way through.  and it was odd, because at first it started out being streets that i was walking on, and then i noticed i was walled in, and carrying a backpack, and...ruh-roh.  SCHOOL.  i almost got run down by this bus thing that took up the ENTIRE street - i kid you not - it was enormous.  some kids got off it and then it backed up and zoomed away, apparently much more agile and less cumbersome than it appeared.  must have been fun to ride on, though - it was all glass or plastic around so you could see out, and since it took up the entire street it was *very* spacious within.  it was about then that i realized that the streets were gone and the hallways had taken up residence.  i was so focused on the bus thing that i nearly got run over by a guy in wheelchair.  he smiled at me as he swerved around me.  and then i went down this hall that had clearly not been dusted in awhile.  my feet left prints as i went slowly slowly downhill.  huh.  when i got to the bottom i noticed my feet were wet.  and that i needed to go back up and over to get across to another route.  and i couldn't get anywhere, because i kept sliding down the hill. 

k.  reeeeally hungry now.  can't concentrate or remember anything else. :)

posted by: juuitsu at October 07, 2006 16:01 | link | comments (2) |

i was turned off by his forearms...

dove once told me about this guy in one of her classes who just had the most amazing ARM HAIR.  she was completely distracted with fantasies about stroking it.  i've never felt that way about arm hair.  i don't even know what i notice first about guys or if it's consistent in any way.  i tend to find people more attractive the more i like them (and i suppose those things might just feed off of one another).  banana used to be fond of fuzzy guys - muscles and chest hair - she'd roll down the passenger side window when we drove past the construction guys and whistle at them...which seems less like it was about them and more like it was trying to make *me* look like an ass...but that's neither here nor there. 

if you'd seen this guy's forearms, tho, you'd have wondered, too, where did *those* come from?  is there someone standing behind him?  is that just a bad picture/angle/accident of birth? 

mm.  i've been told more than once that my fingers are creepy.  *wiggles her creepy phalanges in your general direction*  boo.

any odd bits of attractive anatomy you'd like to share?  ;)

posted by: juuitsu at October 06, 2006 04:32 | link | comments (8) |

so i meant to do a whole lot of organizational things, ya know, to set up my space and make it habitable for the wordses to follow...but i haven't had time, or i've been distracted by other things - namely sleep.  be happy for me, i feel like it's been weeks since i've slept properly.

...


it's been a really awful week. 

...

once upon a time, in a place far far away (bearing only minimal resemblance to the world we know), was a cast of characters (whose resemblance to real or imaginary persons is purely accidental/coincidental, and therefore should not be taken seriously or libelously).  and for the most part they had copacetic work-relationships (which should not be discussed in such a way as to seem unprofessional), except when they did not.  and one of these imaginary persons (whom we shall call juuitsu) had her review on monday, and it was great up until one of her supervisors (whom we shall call 'mavis') said, 'it has come to our attention that you have a blog,' which rather made juuitsu's blood run cold.  because there's personal stuff on one's personal blog.  and even when one has tried, oh at least a little, to be circumspect, the whole point of the online journally thingie is to have a place to let it all out and not WORRY about what you're saying.  a counterargument might be that nothing one posts on the web is personal or private.  and that's fine, too, because you're anonymous most of the time.  except when people find you.  unbeknownst to you.  and then you don't know what they've read, if anything, and what to *do* about it if they have seen something which makes them unhappy.  so the best idea seems to be to go underground.  and this is what juuitsu did. 

having to resort to this kind of subterfuge was frustrating for her.  because it's always hard for her to let.other.people.win, even when it's in her best interests.  and this seems cowardly, even though it's probably wise.  it's also annoying that she had to give up an alias she's used for the past 10 years or so.  she *was* that person.  and now she can't be anymore, because *that* person is clearly and irrevocably linked with that site, which, is no longer any sort of haven away from trials and tribulations of day-to-day life.

now that she's thinking about it, juuitsu wonders...'maybe if we'd all been better communicators, we could have used that as a 'talking point' - an opportunity to discuss why there was stuff there that painted some coworkers in not the best light.  because there were a few things.  most of the time it was just work stories, which were sometimes funny and sometimes irritating, but overall *not bad*.  the only problem was in using people's *real* names, even if they were only first names and even if i never used *my* real name.  google is *not* your friend.  google will display for anyone who asks, exactly where its spiders have been and exactly what they have seen.'  but, instead, mavis just made her feel frightened and guilty and made it clear that it would behoove her to blog *responsibly*.  if they'd talked honestly, maybe mavis would have discovered that all of the animosity juuitsu has/had for her stems from one event - one that still makes juuitsu sad.  and maybe, if they trusted one another, juuitsu might actually see mavis as someone who could change or fix things that juuitsu doesn't particularly like about her position.  and juuitsu should not put all of the blame here on mavis...she should probably bring these things up herself.  but before she does, she would like to have a better idea of what she does want to be doing to bring to the table.  or, she feels, they will start looking at her as if she's already gone.  but sometimes it already feels that way.

***

on tuesday i went to the doctor.  and the news was not good.  my foot doesn't seem to be healing - at least, not any more than it was a month ago.  and that's worrisome.  and i asked dr.whosenamesoundslikeleftinspanish, "is it not healing at all?"  and he pointed to my x-rays and said, "well, in this one it looks like it has a little, but in this one, mmm...no."  and then he said he'd see me in 2 months and we'd reevaluate.  in the meantime i can be bootless and i should keep up my foot/ankle flexion exercises.  great.  but what he didn't tell me is "what am i supposed to DO with this information?"  because i just don't know how to process it.  as a result i spent the rest of the day in a complete funk - one that i thought i'd successfully concealed from the people who didn't know/ask me about it.  (but juuitsu was wrong, because deirdre asked her on wednesday if she was having a better day.  and juuitsu asked, 'better than what?' and deirdre said, 'well, you just came stomping in here yesterday...i figured you were having boyfriend trouble.'  HA. as if.  she has a boy who is a friend who gives her surprisingly little trouble.  it's a new and lovely experience.  he is squishy.)  and then i didn't know what to say, really, to the people who asked.  it's hard for me to have conversations about upsetting stuff.  but i think i did ok.  my optimism has taken a bit of a beating, though. 

so, after a few hours of researching fractures, jones' fractures, facilitated bone healing, bone health, bone strengthening diets, and so on and so forth, i am (if not as hopeful as i once was) back on even keel again.  i don't want to be in DENIAL about what the dr. said, but i also don't want to feel like he's got the final word or even any word on it.  cuz, ya know, he only gave me about 4 minutes of his time.  and in this 4 minutes he did nothing to address my *anguish* over the part where he told me i might not be healing.  cuz, fuck me if that isn't bad news.  so.  in the next two months, in addition to doing my exercises and going bootless, i am going to make sure i get lots of calcium, and also that i have the appropriate stuff in my system that helps me absorb it.  and i'm not going to overdo the whole conditioning thing, but neither am i going to sit on my ass and be depressed.  one interesting thing that i learned is that when bones heal, one of the things that happens is that a callus forms over the broken area - one that isn't bone-y, per se, and thus might not show up on an x-ray (cuz, as i know well from all of the fruitless x-rays they took of my fucked up knee, soft tissue does not show up on x-rays).  the callus eventually becomes bone-y in nature, as it heals.  so i could be healing, but it might not be showing up on the x-ray.  also found a study that concluded:

"CONCLUSION. A wide variation exists in the appearance and duration of the radiographic signs of bone healing."

ah, dr. Internet, there are any number of balms in gilead for what ails ya.

...

other than that...things are going well.  :)

posted by: juuitsu at October 06, 2006 03:22 | link | comments (4) |

what's in a name

juuitsu = exuberance in japanese (according to several online dictionaries i've consulted).  let's hope it's the energetic joyous kind and not just the excessive growth.  though, i'm sure that'll be a great selling point when i start my viagra campaign.  everyone's got one, don't they?

i've been reading all about exuberance in The Primal Teen, and it strikes me (ow) that exuberant describes me pretty well most of the time - lots of barely contained energy and joy. 

so i'll leave you with that thought while i head off into the world.

posted by: juuitsu at October 03, 2006 18:28 | link | comments (4) |

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